By Valli Vida Gideons, Marine Corps Spouse
After 23 years of marriage to a Marine, very little surprises me. But when I crossed through the sword arch on that beautiful July day all those years ago, I could never have imagined where we would end up.
As a military family, we’ve endure our fair share of hardships. Years of regular separations begin to pile up. As military couples know, it’s not just
the time spent apart that is hard, it’s also the time leading up to the impending departure where the stress ensues. Then, once the deployment begins, we settle into our new routine. Only to find ourselves preparing for the return. And another transition. Once our service member returns, we experience an entirely new set of emotions.
Acclimating to being back under one roof can be a dance on tip toes while twirling in and out of control. The sum of it all is so much harder than that 25-year-old bride could have ever imagined. Add children into the equation, particularly ones who have special needs, and you are faced with an entirely different set of obstacles. Trying to parent while dealing with so many relocations and separations is not for the faint at heart. Everyone at times feels wrecked.
And while trying to find our way through it all, resentment can build. Score cards are kept. It is not unusual for one or both of the couple members to begin to feel unappreciated. Navigating through it all can be incredibly painful and finding someone you can count on who understands this unique lifestyle is tricky. This life is not typical. This is our story.
Meeting with the Counselor
So as we entered the therapy room, sitting across from the person I had vowed to love yet could barely stand, I cringed at everything he said and did. I criticized; I lacked empathy and humility; I interrupted; I didn’t consider his strengths; I withheld affection just because; I held back compliments and spewed out would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.
We were broken.
He often said little, and I said a lot. Usually both having deaf ears and closed hearts. We found ourselves in a marital chess match. But there was not going to be a winner in this game. No matter what. Something (or someone) had to give. A simple yet profound exercise assigned by a therapist, after our first session of playing the blame game and look-what-you’vedone-to-me dance, facilitated a subtle shift.
Our task was to make a list of things we loved about each other and then bring it to the next session. I thought, “Sure. Whatever. That’s gonna be a stretch.” But then, an hour before our follow-up, my heart began to pour out love language I hadn’t felt in ages.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop. And it wasn’t the big things that resonated, but rather the nuances, tidbits down memory lane, and all the other idiosyncrasies I had no longer acknowledged. I kept the list. It’s tucked safely inside an old journal, and I bust it out from time to time; that scrap of paper was a relationship-saver of sorts and one of my most treasured possession.
Falling Back In Love
You see, we were so stuck keeping score and dead-set on being right
that we had forgotten the fundamental things that brought us together in the first place. What resonated the most were the little things. It was evident as I read my list to him, tears running down my face, that
he heard me. Like, really heard me, his face softening in a way that had
become the exception to the norm.
Then, he shared his.
The abundant amount of thoughtfulness in the details woke me up. The nuances, only people with history, deep friendship, and deep love, understand. It was then I realized ours was a relationship worthy of an epic rescue strategy. While we had been vacillating in the rage and the anger and the resentment, I couldn’t imagine how he still was able to see those sweet nothings in me, and I, in him.
His chicken scratch made me smile, knowing I am one of the few people on the planet who can understand his scribble from a mile away; it has become as familiar as a hidden birthmark or dimple, only people who really know you, know.
How ever you end up getting to that space, sitting across from the person you vowed to be with through good times and bad, you must make the decision if your relationship is worth fighting for.
Then, roll up your sleeves in true military fashion and do the work, and never forget what sharing those sweet nothings from your heart will do.
I have learned a lot since those days we sat hardened and broken in that
therapy room. I’m glad we put pen to paper and decided to stay and fight.
Many other military couples could shake their heads and say, “That’s us. We’ve been there!”
Getting Help
Although every family is different and is faced with their own unique situations, finding a way to get through the hard patches is critical for longevity. Whether you find your way with the help of a pastor or chaplain, a therapist, or a trusted friend, the key is to take action-steps to move through the resentment, pain, and hurts.
For us, it meant an exercise, reflecting on the things we saw in each other that fed our hearts. For others it could be learning tools to fight fair, balance work-home life, or the like.
A marriage counselor can be an invaluable resource. Most duty stations offer these services. If not, check your local area for a licensed marriage and family counselor. I found ours by asking a trusted friend. Interviewing this individual to ensure they are a good fit may save you time and money in the long term.
Read this and more in the full issue of Military Spouse Magazine here.