I can remember the day I met my husband. It was my first day of high school, and I had just walked into choir. I noticed a cute boy staring at me. Our teacher asked him to demonstrate a solo for the class, and as he sang, he looked RIGHT at me. Then, he sat next to me and we talked the ENTIRE time. From then on, we were inseparable.
Eighteen years later, we are happily married with three kids. And I don’t say that we are “happily married” as a cliche, I mean that we are truly happy. We love being in each other’s company, and we still make each other’s hearts skip a beat.
All of our friends have asked us how we do it. I always tell them this: Love like this isn’t effortless—it takes a LOT of work. We are constantly putting effort into our marriage. Here are five habits we have developed:
1) We do everything together
I’m not just talking about occasional date nights, y’all, I’m talking life in general. We cook together, we clean together, we go shopping together, we play video games together, and so much more. We’ve learned that you can’t just be present for the “intimate” times—you need to be present all the time. I love that my husband is willing to help me chop vegetables just as much as I love it when he treats me to a night on the town. When he’s deployed or TDY, we will FaceTime each other and watch a show together or we will play a video game together over XBOX Live.
2) We make each other a priority
Having kids makes this one tough, but we’ve found that creating boundaries allows our kids to understand when mom and dad need “their” time. When my husband gets home from work, he tells the kids that it’s “mommy’s turn to talk” and sets a timer for 10 minutes. I will tell him about my day and he will tell me about his, and when the timer goes off, the kids know it is their turn. If the kids try to interrupt, we reset the timer. We are strict about bedtimes in our house so we are able to have more of “our” time. We also have a date night at LEAST once a month. When he’s deployed, he always makes it a priority to send me a text or email. Taking the time to be a couple, not just parents, has made our relationship strong.
3) We take an interest in what each other likes
My husband and I have a lot of common interests, but we also have different interests. My husband loves college football. Me? Not so much, I’m more into pro football. However, when an Alabama game comes on, I make sure we have some snacks, and I sit and watch it with him. Why? Because it’s important to him. He also takes an interest in sewing—one of my major interests. He asks questions about what I’m making, and he even notices different techniques I use. Him noticing those little details makes me feel important, too! So the next time your spouse is doing something they love, ask them about it. Taking an interest in what they love is a great way to bond!
4) Give each other space
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” There are times when I need my space, and there are times when my husband needs his. When I want to go out with the girls, he never makes me feel bad for it. Instead, he makes sure I go because he knows that I need time away sometimes. I do the same for him when he asks for it. Taking some time to do things separately from the other can help build trust, and keep the relationship alive. The more your partner misses you, the more eager they will be to return to you!
5) Check in with each other regularly
You can also do this during deployment (usually). My husband and I have regular conversations about the state of our marriage. Set a time with your partner and ask each other about the relationship. Use questions like, “How do you feel our relationship is going?” “Am I loving you in the way that you need to be loved?” and, “How can I improve things in our relationship?” Even if things are fine and dandy, this opportunity can give each of you a safe space to air out your feelings.