There I was in my living room, looking out at a beautiful view of a white sand beach, contemplating the thought of, “What would happen if I jumped?”
I still get chills when I think back to that moment. We were stationed in a dream location, and I had the luxury of staying home and not working. Despite having the world at my fingertips, I was struggling with depression.
On the surface, everything looked perfect, but bubbling below the surface were my feelings of grappling with my new reality, identity, and self-doubt. My Facebook feed was full of smiling photos of me traveling with my husband and friends. Although the smiles were genuine and I still very much treasure those experiences, what no one could see were the juxtapositions to my happiness, a very deep loneliness and sadness.
It was the first time in my life since childhood that I wasn’t working and had to depend completely on someone else. Going into the move, I was obtusely optimistic about how the tour would go. I mean, who wouldn’t be when moving to Europe for a year with the love of their life? However, I didn’t anticipate grieving my professional identity, or struggling with not having any kind of agency over my life. The feeling of having zero control pulled me under like a wave, and I was seemingly drowning.
When reflecting back on that time, I envision myself engulfed, floating in the water having to make a decision. Do I let myself be swept away, or do I start kicking to fight my way back to the surface? Well, long story short, I’ve never been a quitter, so I opted for the struggle to regain my sense of self. Once I made the decision, I knew I had to make some changes. The first, and arguably most meaningful, shift was my perspective. I actively decided to transition from despondent and resigned to a tactical and solutions based mindset.
Once I did this, those once overwhelming waves morphed from a governing force in my life to a vehicle that I could ride to wherever I decided. I took back my power and I was back at the helm of my own life, and it felt amazing. I would love to sit and tell you that after my revelation I lived one of those “happily ever after” moments, but I didn’t. There were still unexpected emotions I would wax and wane through, but the most startling emotion I felt was rage. I allowed myself to be robbed of experiencing joy, and for that, I was furious.
This time, however, I was not letting an emotion overtake me. I would harness it. My journey and my emotional experiences I would now use to help empathize with others. I could now use these experiences to acknowledge what a fellow military spouse was experiencing. I vowed to be a beacon for any spouse that felt the desperation of drowning in a sea of relentless unknowns this life offers. I resolved not to leave any of my fellow military spouses out in the waves, flailing and trying to navigate their way to the surface of a seemingly impossible situation.
So I took action and set out to create resources and lifelines. I started with a book on how to move to Yokosuka, Japan. The book was a huge success and fueled my drive to want to do more and help more families, so I created a blog and I started writing about anything relating to the biggest pain point we have as military families…moving.
The remarkable thing is that my story is not singular. So many other spouses have made the same decision, to kick to the surface and learn to ride the waves instead of drown in them. I think of the contributions that spouses have made to their communities and I literally get weepy-eyed with gratitude. The extraordinary pride I feel, being a part of this community, is fueled by the military spouses that empower one another, encourage one another, pull one another up from the fray, help us reset our course, and remind us that we are going to be okay.
So, with all that being said, if you ever feeling like you’re drowning:
1. Know that you’re not the only person to have felt this way. I see you. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. I promise there’s light at the end of the tunnel if you choose to look for it.
2. Decide to fight. Kick as hard as you possibly can towards the surface and reach out for help… I guarantee you you’ll find a hand to grab and help pull you up. And lastly…
3. Don’t be afraid to take your power back. Feeling in control in some capacity is essential to make it in this life. Regardless of what the military throws at you, you can carve out your little slice of happiness. Do it ruthlessly, as if your life depends on it, because I came to find out the hard way, that it actually does sometimes.