While the military as well as the American public have come a long way in recognizing the incredible contributions of the military spouse, Joey Moehrholt of Moehrholt Films is on a mission to highlight those who are often overlooked: male military spouses.
Joey and his husband Aaron have been married for nine years, tying the knot only months before Aaron enlisted in the Army. Having been with him every step of his military career, Joey understands this life well. Earlier this year, he began a documentary project interviewing male military spouses around the country, determined to share their stories to encourage change. Though we have worked together professionally multiple times, Joey is also a dear friend who I respect, so it was an honor to discuss this work that is not only impressive and admirable, but powerful.
How long have you been working on this project?
Originally this project started off as a podcast from a conversation on Club house. I was talking to other male spouses, and decided I was going to conduct interviews through Zoom, then use the audio as a podcast. It was hard; I only knew a handful of male spouses and at the time (2021), not many male spouses wanted to share their story.
This year I nominated my friend Toby Boisvert for Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year®. In return, he pushed me to continue this project, something I have always talked about doing.
So I made a post February 6th, 2024 with the intro to the project. I told Aaron that this is what I want to do this year, create my first film.
And we began.
What made you decide to undertake this project to highlight the male military spouse? Why do you think male military spouses are often overshadowed by their female counterparts?
Let me answer two questions at once. I’m doing this because male spouses are often overshadowed by their female counterparts purely based on their gender. In modern times, we seek online communities when coming to a new duty station, and so many times male spouses speak about how they have a hard time getting accepted into spouse groups online due to them being male.
And that’s just one thing. Many male spouses are also parents and have a hard time wanting to go to different events with the children because the majority of events are targeted as “Mommy and me” groups or events. These events are created by MWRs across bases. The language already excludes Dad, but later in the post you might see that it’s ’open to all.’ Language is a huge factor in supporting male spouses, and if an organization’s social media is constantly female-centric, it harms their mental health when looking for support.
Please share some instances where you have felt unseen, slighted, or ignored as a male military spouse.
There’s been so many. But my favorite story to tell is the day Aaron graduated from basic training. I sat in the room where all the other spouses, loved ones, and parents sat next to their soldiers. Four women got on stage to brief us on how to support our soldier. The conversation quickly turned into them giving us advice on how to be a good wife, not thinking of the female soldier in the room, the gay soldier whose marriage was legalized that year, or the single soldiers. It became a lecture of experiences they have had and how horrible it was, so we were now to learn from them.
However, experiences aren’t shared. We all handle and come out of things differently
But it stuck with me. Because I wasn’t a female, I wasn’t going be child baring, so I felt like a lesser person. I was a fresh spouse and I wanted to stand up and ask questions but I was afraid to.
Since then I’ve become more outspoken. I call out inequality when I see it; I’ve ruffled feathers. But I do it to keep reminding people that male spouses exist and that language matters.
How can the military (as well as the general public) appropriately and effectively begin to recognize male military spouses?
Open more spaces and call outs for male spouses. There are so many organizations working on statistics and polls to understand the male spouse population, but what they lack is the same championship from female spouses. In my time finding male spouse, I’ve received emails and messages from female spouses about a male spouse they know. Those female spouses need to do the same when it comes to accounting for male spouses. It’s okay to give up an interview to a male spouse. It’s okay to say “I would love to share my story but let me introduce you my friend.”
So if you’ve been in my messages and emailed to tell me about the male you know, I applaud you for reading what I’ve shared and championing for them.
What has stood out the most to you during these interviews?
When I started this, I wrote down issues that I wanted to be in the forefront of the documentary, and what I’m hearing the most about is mental health as a male military spouse.
And if that’s the way this documentary goes, then that’s the way it goes. I’m here to capture stories, to continue to give male spouses the space they deserve and not to feel forcely included in this community. 90% of each interview has made the cut, and at this moment we have a 30 minute long film. I’ve been filming since February of 2024, and still have interviews lined up.
Who knows; we could have a second series. It would be fun to put out a couple of films.
What do you hope to accomplish with this project?
I want to be able to share as many stories as possible. I want male spouses to feel seen and heard,to be willing to call me back to tell me they’re ready. Even if the documentary is finished, I will find a way to share their story. Making them feel valued as the human they are, not just as male spouse.
If there are any male spouses reading this, please reach out to me at Joey@moehrholtfilms.com.