I’ve always known I was different.
Growing up, I was always baffled at how easily my peers did “normal” things, like paying attention in class, remembering names, and – most importantly – making friends. Even as an adult, I was still amazed by how other adults were ‘adulting’. How they remembered everything and how clean their houses were. And here I was, struggling to remember someone’s name, let alone keep my house clean. I had no idea why it was harder for me to do basic things, like grocery shop (I find it really boring) or remember important appointments – until my diagnosis.
I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) shortly after I turned 30. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects attention, emotional regulation, executive functioning, impulsivity, and working memory. According to the nonprofit organization Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD), approximately 10 million adults live with ADHD. In addition to its deleterious effects on the brain, ADHD also affects your mood – most of us with ADHD suffer from anxiety disorders and experience depression. What’s more, many people (mainly females) who have ADHD don’t even know they have it.
My diagnosis helped me understand a lot about myself, especially my difficulty with being organized, socializing, and forming relationships. I realized that I had to be open, not only about my diagnosis, but about how it affected me as a person so that I could keep the friendships I made. To all of you who may have a milspouse friend with ADHD, here is what I want you to know:
- We cannot filter sensory input. ADHD directly affects the nervous system, keeping those of us who have the condition in a “hyperactive” state. Everything from our thoughts, emotions, and even our five senses – touch, sound, taste, sight, and smell – are always on high alert. For most of us, being overwhelmed is limited primarily to one sense (for example, I am sensitive to noise). But others can be overwhelmed by touch, taste, smell, or even visuals. Our thoughts are always racing, and we feel things more intensely than neurotypicals. We are unable to filter and process most of this information like neurotypical people can, which can make us feel overwhelmed, quickly. This is also why we are easily distracted. So, if you see us zoning out in the middle of a conversation, please don’t take this personally. We may just be overwhelmed by sensory input and need a bit of a breather.
- Adjusting is hard. With our minds in constant chaos, people with ADHD tend to thrive in routines. So when our spouse deploys or goes on temporary duty, this shakes up our routine. We have a much harder time adjusting to this shake up, making it harder for us to adapt. We do eventually get the hang of things, but it takes us a little longer than most – and we usually do it while kicking and screaming.
- We need you to be specific with us. It is near impossible for most of us to read “between the lines”. If you have an expectation of us, we need you to tell us. If you have an issue with us, we need you to tell us. Knowing what is expected of us or what is bothering you can help us be a better friend to you and not cross your boundaries.
- Organization is not our strong suit. People with ADHD are not “linear” thinkers and our executive functioning is…rudimentary, at best. This makes it hard for us to make to-do lists (and follow them), follow step-by-step instructions, or keep an immaculate house. We set alarms for everything, and we know how to keep a calendar, but that’s about it. Some would argue that we thrive in chaos, and maybe they are right. After all, I always know where my remote is when it’s under the couch, and never when it is in the top drawer of the TV stand. Or where my keys are when they are anywhere BUT hanging on the key hook by the door.
- ‘Peopling’ is overwhelming. It isn’t that we don’t like people (okay, some of us really don’t, but that’s not the point). Remember that thing I talked about where people with ADHD take in all sensory input without a filter? Social situations are filled with sensory input, which can be overwhelming for us. We can often appear anxious and we usually find a reason to withdraw from a social event earlier than other guests.
- It’s difficult for us to communicate our thoughts and feelings. My thoughts are always racing. Though I have trained myself to slow down my speech, that doesn’t mean that my mind isn’t going a million miles a minute. I also feel things very intensely. Both of these make it very difficult for me, personally, to verbally communicate what I’m thinking and feeling. Please be patient with us when we are trying to tell you something important, because it’s not easy for us to do.
- The concept of time eludes us. Time doesn’t really pass for me like it does for others. I am always overestimating how long it will take for me to get ready, get the kids out the door, and how long it will take me to get to a destination. Because of this, I am personally always early. People with ADHD are either two hours early or a half-hour late – there is no in-between.
- We are impulsive. I’m not just talking about impulse purchases at Target or ordering everything under the sun on Amazon that we don’t need (yes, I’m guilty of both). But we often interrupt when you’re speaking, have a hard time “waiting our turn,” get distracted easily, and we often blurt things out. This is because the thalamus, the area of the brain that sends signals to control or stop behaviors, is broken. While the thalamus works like a gate for most people – opening and closing – for us, it’s constantly open. Do we regret our behaviors? Of course. Do we get embarrassed sometimes? Yup. Trust me, a leaky thalamus is no fun. But we are trying to control ourselves, I promise.
- Your friendship means the world to us. Truly, it does. Socializing is hard, so many of us don’t make friends easily. When we call you friend, we absolutely mean it, and would bend over backwards for you (okay, but not really because I don’t think my back could handle it). We might interrupt you a lot, we might go on tangents, we might be inconsistent sometimes, we might need a lot of reassurance, and we might divert topics at the drop of a hat – but we are also loyal, creative, and highly intelligent. And most of all – we appreciate your friendship more than you know, and we will always make an effort to keep it.