Michelle Bowler
Loss is a profound experience that touches us all at different points in our lives. But what happens when you are part of the military community, and the normal emotional upheaval is compounded by the rigors of service life? The story I’m sharing today is one that resonates deeply with military spouses navigating the complexities of loss on top of constant PCSs, deployments, and separation.
Almost three years ago our son, James, was stillborn. It was unexpected, and in true military fashion, I found out his heart had stopped beating while my husband was on a state-side Covid mission in Chicago. I’ll never forget those days in the hospital and after planning a funeral for a boy I longed to hold. For months I tried to cope with the loss, heal from the physical injuries from his delivery, and help his four sisters get through their first experience with death. But as a military family, the grief journey came with added layers.
Every anniversary I wish I could visit his resting place. But it’s miles away; a whole ocean and country away from where I am now. Burying him there, at the time, felt like a decision with no right answer. Every choice was fraught with its challenges due to our nomadic lifestyle.
The struggle isn’t mine alone. Many military spouses have faced a similar kind of heartbreak, having to leave parts of their hearts in places they can’t readily return to. The service member’s absence due to deployment or training only compounds the agony of being separated from a child’s final resting place. The stark truth remains; there is no straightforward decision in this scenario.
I know you might not be the only one who’s had to endure such an impossible decision. You’re certainly not alone in the challenges and complexities it brings. Sometimes, the military inadvertently pours salt in the wound, yet it’s never out of malice.
I just want to extend a virtual hug and the assurance that you aren’t alone in this journey of grief. There’s no magical solution or words that can take away the pain, but you have a friend who’s here to stand alongside you in solidarity.
Every military spouse who’s dealt with loss while being miles away from their support system knows the bittersweet challenges and heartaches involved. Your story is valid, your feelings are real, and this journey is something we share as a community.
If you are a military spouse who’s experienced a similar loss, please reach out to your local military hospital. Many have support groups so you can go and be amongst people who understand and will lovingly walk alongside you.
It’s essential to recognize the emotional journey you’re traversing isn’t one you have to endure in isolation. You have a supportive hand and shoulder here, a fellow military spouse extending empathy and understanding. Remember, in this vast and complex world, you’re not alone, and your heart is always embraced within this military community.