When my husband and I first got married, we had just arrived at his second duty station, Edwards Air Force Base. This was my first duty station as an official Air Force spouse. I had already anticipated that the challenges of this life were going to be hard, so one of the first things I wanted to do was make some friends. I was in my early twenties, and I was bright-eyed and optimistic about this new adventure.
Fortunately, my optimism prevailed. In a stroke of luck, I met my best friend, Sam, about four weeks after we moved on base. I can remember how effortless the connection was right off the bat. Both of us were new to military life, and we had so many things in common. We did life together – everything from hanging out on the couch watching movies, parenting each other’s children, showing up at each other’s door with a bottle of tequila when life got hard, and dressing up in cosplay and parading around California conventions. She even helped me through a long, hard labor, accompanied me to the hospital, and was in the room as I gave birth to my third child. I met a few more friends over the years and, together with her and the rest of my tribe, I had found my “framily.”
My family moved away from Edwards AFB after eight years, but Sam and I still remain the best of friends. I am also fortunate that I am still in contact with most of our other friends from Edwards. They say life as a duty station is what you make it – and my friends were definitely the best part of it.
We moved to Robins Air Force Base about three years ago. By this time, I had grown accustomed to the life I had at Edwards, so I won’t lie to you and say that the adjustment to life in the South has been easy. However, I was fortunate to meet my first friend here through our local Facebook Spouse’s page, and we met in person days after my family arrived here. Then, I met a few more people from my husband’s squadron who helped us move in to our new home on base. I felt a twinge of hope. Maybe I would have the same luck finding my people as I did at our last station!
Unfortunately, some of the new connections I had made fizzled out pretty quickly. So, to find my people, I had to learn about this thing called “friend dating.”
I scheduled play dates with other moms, joined our Spouse’s club, added people on social media, and met up with other spouses for coffee and lunch. I tried so hard, but it always seemed like I was more interested than they were. I began to wonder if I was to blame – was I too much for them? Did I say the wrong thing? Did they think I was a weirdo?
Then it happened. I was invited to a Bible study – something I was very apprehensive about – by a new friend. She was warm, friendly, and, well, VERY insistent. I ended up meeting more amazing women at this study. I also became more involved in our local spouse’s club by heading up our Membership committee, and I’ve made more friends through my involvement there. Even though it has taken more time, I eventually found my people. It took longer than expected, but they were worth the wait. I came to Robins with the expectation that I would have the same luck I did at Edwards – that I would meet my person here almost immediately and we would do life together. When it didn’t happen right away, I was quick to disappointment. However, I came to realize that not every duty station will provide the same experience. Everyone is at different stages in this life, and whether they are new to it or in the same boat as I am, I needed to be more patient and put in the effort if I wanted to find my tribe anywhere.
Each duty station taught me some valuable lessons about navigating new military spouse friendships. I’ve learned that it’s easier to make friends at the first duty station because we are both excited at and scared of the possibilities that this new life will bring. We forge bonds with others very quickly because we know that we are both short on time to do so, and that we don’t want to do life alone. It gets harder to make new friends as we progress in this life because with every PCS, we continually form new connections just to say goodbye in a few years. This becomes emotionally exhausting, and makes it more difficult for us to find the desire to make new friends.
If you’ve been at your new duty station for a while and still haven’t found your tribe, I want to offer you some encouragement. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. Give yourself some grace and some time to settle in to your new environment. Join your local spouse’s groups on social media and the local spouses club and/or FRG on base. I promise, you will find your tribe, no matter how long it takes.
PC: Justin Kalior of Project Cosplay.
