We sat at a small table inside a cozy but nearly empty restaurant that Thanksgiving, on the opposite side of the country from my family. The food was amazing, but it wasn’t my Nana’s homemade casseroles or my mom’s fudge pie. I felt incredibly lonely, celebrating with just the two of us instead of my huge extended family.
Just the two of us. For a moment, the absence of family felt oppressive but then I felt a surge of love. Just the two of us. My husband and I were —and are— a team, and “just the two of us” became sacred.
As a military family, we have spent many holidays away from home, away from family. We are coming up on 14 years of marriage, so we’ve nestled securely in our position as our own unit without much outside help. But as I look at my younger brother and his fiancée as they join us at the 82nd at Fort Liberty, I see these forged-by-fire moments on the horizon, yet to be experienced. In typical big-sister fashion, I have some guidance for how to make your own holiday memories when you’re far from family during this magical season.
Embrace the suck.
Not exactly a merry saying for this time of year, but rather than focusing on what you’re missing, focus on what you’re making. I will forever associate McNamara’s Pub with our Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter meals when we were stationed in Washington state, and there is a sweetness to those memories where we were all we had. We embraced the hardship for what it was, and made the holiday special, just the two of us.
Make your own traditions.
It’s hard when you miss family traditions, so make your own! For us, I love my family tradition of driving to look at the Christmas lights. There were always specific neighborhoods and decorations we looked for, like the two-story Nutcracker characters that were literally as tall as the house. When I couldn’t get home to Tennessee to do that, my husband and I drove around —just the two of us— with hot chocolate steaming from mugs. Now with our children, we have the Hot Chocolate Dash: at some point during the season, one of us will randomly yell “Hot Chocolate Dash!” which causes mass excitement and chaos before we run out the door with hot chocolate to look at lights. A tradition stemming from my own memories, but with a twist for our family.
Open your doors.
In our crazy military lives, you will find people who become family. Welcome them for holidays, celebrations, and Thursday dinners. In the beginning, I felt unsure of sharing so much life with others, but the holiday season is so much richer by opening your doors and hearts to friends.
And finally: keep the connections.
It can be easy to slip into sadness and remove yourself from your roots, thinking that it’s too painful to remember what you’re missing. But keep the connections. Call your grandparents. FaceTime your sister. Send out the family updates and Christmas cards. Unwrap presents on Zoom with your best friend. However far you are from loved ones, keep the connections and celebrate the season apart, together.
As military families, we may not always be home for the holidays, but we can certainly still create the magic. Find the sacred in the season by celebrating where you are in life, and be merry with the ones you are with.
Even if it is just the two of you.