Once upon a time, I was a brand, spankin’ new military spouse – young and full of hope. It was in the early 2000s that I would be swept off my feet by a stunningly handsome young man in a blues uniform (that’ll do it every time). My first few years as a milspo were spent reeling from all of the change and inconsistency in our lives as a married couple. In addition, because I am a dinosaur, social media had not yet become a prevalent option for information.
Honestly, most of us were guessing, at best, in our attempts to survive the tumultuous nature of the beast that is the active-duty lifestyle. Now, that same lot of “green” spouses can move a house in two days, build a community, and brew a mean pot of coffee. One thing that I did have at the beginning was a complete understanding that my spouse loved and accepted me- unconditionally.
Now, in my last few years as an active-duty spouse, I want to impart some of the nuggets of truth that carried me through those early years.
There is a plethora of “one-liners” that I could give you. Not everyone will become, or stay, your best friend. There are normal marriage problems…and then there are bad ones. The spouse’s page is not always a safe haven. Counseling is a life line. Communication really is key. Lastly, learn to deal with disappointment well. You will face much of it.
But, in spite of all of these quick and practical things to know, there are three things that I believe would have made the most difference in the beginning of our journey together as a married couple.
Adjust your expectations.
Most of the milspos I meet express a deep disappointment in the way their lives are going. Namely, their spouse is fundamentally “failing” to meet their needs. They feel alone, left out, frustrated, and sometimes completely ignored. Realize that, going in, there will be times that you feel this way. These feelings are not, in many cases, a marriage ender or an indication that there are severe problems. Both of you are under extreme stresses and external pressure. Make the time to process through this season, being committed to carrying each other’s burdens well.
Both of you should be committed to continual pursuit of the other.
Learn each other’s needs early. You will encounter stress and circumstances that will seek to drive wedges between you and your spouse. How you engage with these events and errors will determine how well you do in this life as a married couple. Fundamentally, we should seek to serve each other- being a place of rest and refreshment when we can for the other.
Create systems and boundaries that work for you.
Set boundaries with civilian family members early. Learn about yourself and push out of your comfort zone, while still staying true to your family’s wants and needs. It is okay to put yourself first.
Really, this life can be what we make it. We can build a sustainable lifestyle of care, compassion, and kindness- all while making sure that we are serving each other as a married couple. Grace for one another will be the difference between hardship or hurt and a joy that is unexplainable. Believe the best about each other – that each of you is dedicated to doing what you can when you can. This will allow you to live richly, ultimately from a place where you know you are loved and accepted.
Megan B. Brown is a seasoned military spouse and military missionary. She is the Military Liaison for the Speak Up Conference Global Missions Military Scholarship and the 2019-Armed Forces Insurance Robins AFB Military Spouse of the Year. She is passionate about military mission work and teaching and preaching about Jesus in and out of the local church. Her Bible study, “Summoned: Answering a Call to the Impossible,” published by Moody Publishers in Chicago, will be released in May 2021. She lives in south Mississippi with her husband, Keith, and their energetic kiddos. She is a Bible teacher, speaker, and freelance writer. To learn more or connect with Megan, visit www.meganbbrown.com.