Embrace the Suck: Why You Should Try to Make New Friends on Base

I schlepped into the Tiny Tots ballet class late with two preschoolers in tutus and two not-happy-to-be-here boys in tow. I hurried my girls into the class, then perched myself on the bench facing the wall of glass with the other moms to collectively observe our tiny ones twirling and pointing toes. While settling down my boys with juice boxes and coloring books, a lady nearby struck up a conversation. She asked where my kids attended school and I mentioned that we homeschooled. I’ll never forget what happened next. “You homeschool ??” An inquisitive curly head stuck out suddenly further down the row of quiet moms. At my affirmation, the woman practically elbowed her way to me! I wasn’t sure if she was going to confront me about my educational choice or what, but what followed for the next hour (I’m sure to the annoyance of the other ladies on the bench!) was a fast-paced, somewhat loud conversation, sprinkled with lots of laughter. Turns out she was a brand-new homeschool mom who had not met any others since her PCS move to the area. Tara and I have been friends ever since. There are some people you happen upon, recognize you are kindred spirits, and that is that. I’ve noticed some characteristics that seem to define milspouse friendships . 1. Jump in; the water’s fine! We tend to close our eyes and jump feet first right into the pool of friendship! Many of us have learned from frequent moves and separations from our spouses, that we aren’t guaranteed tons of time... or the normal stages of allowing a friendship to slowly blossom. Some of my best friends are those that I knew in real life for a YEAR. A. Year. I’ve particularly noticed this in remote assignments. At one tropical location, we went through several natural disasters (typhoons and earthquakes), which was a new situation for most of the military families there. We also experienced interesting , near daily occurrences, like unexpected power outages. You become friends quickly when sharing gas rations for generators, scrubbing out laundry together with bottled water, or finding creative ways to keep toddlers cool in 100% humidity and 90+ degree temperatures- with no power! Shared hardships seem to have a way of forging the best of friendships, especially when you have no family nearby to fall back on. 2. We get the niceties out of the way and move on. But it’s not just hard times that bond us. While living in Germany, I met some women also on their first tour there who wished to explore Europe. We took USO trips to Holland and Switzerland and day trips to the local markets together. Stumbling over ordering food from a German cafe or attempting to locate a restroom while on a walking tour of a small village (The bane of my existence in Europe—a sort of “Where’s Waldo?” search for a toilet!) made for LOTS of laughs and an easy transition into friendship. I overheard a comment to another woman who’d recently moved to the area I’m currently in: “Yeah, you’ve only been here a year. It takes that long to get settled in before you get to know people.” Obviously not military families ! We tend to cut right to the chase. 3. We treasure authentic friendships. I don’t take for granted the offered hand of friendship, because I’ve lived enough places where it WASN'T extended. I truly value the friends who’ve given me a glimpse of their hearts and lives. I met several women at a homeschooling group when I lived in D.C., and we decided to get together for a weekly book study. Honestly, when I look at it now, it’s somewhat shocking how quickly we bonded over the few months of study, coffee, and talk. I believe we all crave real, authentic friendship. If you’re in a season right now where this isn’t the case for you, hang in there and hold onto hope that you will find your own community. A study from UCLA notes this about our need for friendship: …[Friends] soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more. Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. Could this be any truer than for military spouses? Since our normal, everyday stressors are usually up there, I submit that our need for authentic, real friendships is higher as well. But let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to make friends. So how do you find friends when you’ve just PCS’ed? Here are a few ideas! Check your installation’s paper, Facebook page, or website for lists of spouses’ groups or clubs . Visit your local library or coffee shop and check their bulletin board or newsletter for groups that may be meeting (I found the above homeschooling group from a flyer I saw at Starbucks!) Get off the installation. Visit the local sights . Invite a neighbor or new acquaintance to explore with you. Most bases have briefings for new military spouses or those new to an area. The active duty member should be receiving this information, but if not, can easily find out for you. Ask your spouse to remind you when there’s one coming up, gather up your bravery, and go! You never know who you might meet. Volunteer! This is one of the best ways I’ve found to meet others. Working together for a common cause is a great way to break the ice. Though it may not happen the same way for you as it did for me, I hope that you come across your own “Tara”! “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” ― C.S. Lewis (Some content from my book You Are Not Alone: Encouragement for the Heart of a Military Spouse , published by InJoy, Inc. Used with permission . ) Connect with us on Facebook!

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