For military spouses, moving is personal. My servicemember has a unique gift of disconnecting from a place, like closing the chapter of a book, turning a page, and moving on. But for me, I spend all of my time and energy, and emotions building a life for him, myself, and our family in each location. From figuring out which cabinet holds the coffee cups, to what to do with the dresser that doesn’t fit in the guest room in this house, to finding the grocery store and dentist, to learning where to build relationships that will help us feel grounded in each place. Each move is personal, and I have an intimate relationship with each location from all of the emotions required for building a life.
As I lay out this analogy, let me introduce the characters.
Past Place is the ex, and whether the split was good or bad, Past Place is still your ex.
Current Place is the current relationship, sometimes dysfunctional, sometimes harmonious, you and Current Place are in this together right now.
New Place is your next relationship, the one you don’t know yet and aren’t sure about. New Place is exciting and scary all at the same time.
On average, each relationship with a Current Place lasts 1-3 years. Sometimes we are serious from the start, but sometimes it takes a while to really get things going with Current Place. No matter how long it takes, we know it will end. Once we get news of a pending move, we know it’s not going to last with Current Place. Sometimes we are ready to go, we know we’re just passing the time, and we break it off with Current Place with a middle finger and the sight of our taillights. Maybe we stay in denial, we say that this time will be different and it will all work out. Maybe we start to pull away and create distance because maybe that will make it easier when it’s time to break up. We might even try to keep the contact going long distance, keep up on social media, or try to still feel connected. But, ultimately we know how this goes, we’ve done this before; we’ve broken up with multiple Past Places over the years. No matter how much you try to make it work with Current Place, you have to accept that it’s over and you start to acknowledge Current Place will soon be just another chapter in the book of Past Places. That transition is hard and hurtful, but eventually, you can hold special memories in your heart for the season you shared.
When you’re fresh on the heels of a raw breakup with Current Place, you meet New Place and you’re unsure of what to think. It’s all new and unfamiliar. You might even still be heartbroken about the breakup with Current Place and not ready to open your heart again. You’re missing your people, your community, your grocery store, and even your old car shop from Current Place. The relationship with Current Place was comfortable, like that hang out in sweatpants with a messy bun kind of comfortable. Current Place always took care of you with a friendly face at soccer practice or the Mom you could call in a bind to grab your kids at school because you’re stuck somewhere else in town. When you were with Current Place, you had the house just right, the routines just right, the budget just right. Everything was so good, but Military had to show up and insert drama into the relationship and in the end, you and Current Place had to break up.
As you get to know New Place, you start to find some comfortable parts as you become acquainted. Maybe an inside joke about the local grocery manager, or you meet the new Dentist that will care for your family for the next 4 visits. You start to build some casual connections that make you feel not as isolated, not as alone. Though you miss what you had with your recent Current Place, you can start to understand the draw of New Place. You can see how New Place could be a good fit, even if you’re not quite ready to open your heart again. Somewhere along the line, through the first life crisis together and the settling of routine, the relationship upgrades, and New Place becomes Current Place. And, finally, you’re feeling settled and comfortable again. You’ve built community again, you have your footing, you know how you got here and you’re confident in the future you have together with Current Place. That is, until Military calls again- it’s time to break up, and turn the page on the chapter with Current Place.
So, dear military spouse, how do you do it? How do you open your heart again and again, and embrace each new chapter for the uniqueness that it brings to your life? How do you continue to mark the timeline of your life through chapters of Current Places and breakups with Past Places? And how do you figure out when you’re ready for “The One?” You know The One I mean. The One you will spend the rest of your life with (or plan to anyway). And which one is The One? Is The One hidden in your Past Places? Is The One still unknown in the future? I don’t have those answers. But I do know this, opening your heart for Current Place, no matter how many times, will always, always add joy and vibrance to your life as your build a home over and over again. So whether you’re fresh off a breakup with Past Place, comfortable with Current Place, or starting something with New Place, I get it. And sometimes, all the hurt along the way to “The One” just sucks, but hang in there.