Sometimes military life can feel like juggling a bunch of different balls that are all on fire. Ultimately, you can hit a wall. But much of this stress (and drama!) can be mitigated by communicating boundaries with your active duty spouse and those you love. It’s essential not only for a military spouse’s well-being, but for sustaining healthy relationships.
“Military spouses already get bombarded with so many tasks in daily life,” says Kimbray McNeal, a retired Air Force major who is now a Licensed Independent Social Worker – Clinical Practice (LISW-CP). “The number one mistake people can make in setting boundaries is not having an assertive, direct dialogue to begin with and assuming the other person is on the same page, when they really are not.”
Here are McNeal’s tips for setting boundaries in military life:
1. Have a conversation with yourself first
Before speaking with your spouse or anyone else, evaluate for yourself what your boundaries are and what you realistically can and cannot do. Ask yourself, “How might this be received by the other person?” and then come up with alternate ideas you can suggest to remain supportive, but still protect your own well-being. This leads to the next point…
2. Meet in the middle
Often times, people aren’t receptive to boundaries being established since they feel boundaries are a sign of rejection. This is why McNeal says it is important to communicate boundaries in a patient, positive manner and see how you both can meet in the middle. Maybe you’re too strapped for time to serve on the planning committee for the base children’s holiday party, but you can help the week of the event by donating some games and activities. Coming up with some alternative ideas can help soften the blow when communicating boundaries.
3. Service members, don’t “over utilize” your spouse
Military spouses already handle a lot of responsibilities and take care of the majority of family coordinating. McNeal reminds active duty members to be mindful of this and not be the one to overload their spouse, especially during deployments.
“It shouldn’t also be the job of the spouse to have the hard conversations establishing boundaries with extended family or friends,” says McNeal. “The service member should be the one to protect their spouse and lead those conversations around boundaries with the necessary parties.”
Being aligned about boundaries is particularly important during deployments, one of the toughest seasons that military couples can go through. McNeal suggests military couples have conversations before deployment, a mid-deployment check-in, and again towards the end of the tour before returning home.
“Communicate about those boundaries clearly in the beginning and then re-evaluate them mid-deployment,” says McNeal. “Towards the end of the deployment, you have both grown as individuals during the separation, so it’s important to be aligned around the boundaries that need to be established now around things like co-parenting and reintegration.”
4. Boundaries must be clear
Boundaries are most effective when they are clear and consistent.
“As time goes on, if you remain clear in your communication and consistent in your routine, those who really love you will learn to respect your boundaries,” says McNeal.
This can be especially helpful during PCS time. Inevitably, many military families end up in a time crunch as they prepare to embark on their next duty station. As much as we all want to say the goodbyes and have that final hang out, it’s difficult to make time for everyone. Scheduling specific times and places for that last hurrah can help manage time and stress.
“Say clearly, ‘This is the time we have available,’” says McNeal. “Ultimately, those who love you will work around your time. And remember, it’s ok if you have to say no.”
5. Where to go for help
If you need more help navigating tough boundary conversations, there are several resources available to service members and their families:
- Talk with a Military and Family Life Counselor available through your installation’s family resource center
- Visit Military OneSource to find available counselors near you
- Talk with the chaplain at your installation’s chapel
- Speak with volunteer mental health professionals at Give an Hour, an organization that provides no-cost mental health care to those in the veteran and military communities and those affected by natural, or man-made, disasters