As military spouses, we know time is limited –– maybe more so than our civilian counterparts, because we see how precious it can be. It’s a recognition which can take your breath away if you think about it too long.
We only get to live in duty stations, build friendships, or even be with our service members for so long before the military life obligations come in. This way of living has us overfilling our plates, calendars and hearts trying to do all the things. It’s almost a defense mechanism, we don’t know how much time we have for the goal, project or “thing” –– so we say yes. Too much, I think.
Yes to the volunteerism, work opportunities, events –– you get it. Basically fill-in-the-blank because we’ll do it. While saying yes can be a great way to plant roots in a new community and explore, it can become toxic and health-harming, too.
This article isn’t a finger-pointing narrative, but almost a love letter to all of you, hoping to save you from getting in the weeds and losing part of who you are the way I did.
Friends, I myself am guilty of being the “yes” person. Those who know me are reading these words and nodding so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if they gave themselves whiplash. Joking, sort of.
We want so badly to find our place in our temporary worlds, all of us. This could be the stay-at-home mom seeking out all the groups and things to keep busy, I was her once upon a time. Or the goal-oriented military spouse desperately playing catch up with their peers in building a fulfilling career. That’s me, all day long.
While there is absolutely admiration for those able to put themselves out there and build new lives with purpose, there’s definitely such a thing as too much. How can you give your all to everything when your plate is so full you can’t even see all the things on it? I often think about the movie, Yes Man, starring Jim Carey and relate so much to the character.
When I arrive at a new duty assignment, I retreat inside myself for a bit. I resist the urge to look for opportunities or new friends because I’m usually mourning what I’d just left behind. I say no to everything, just like the character. And like his character, I do some self-development work and suddenly go 100 miles per hour ready to say yes to everything. Until I’m drowning in them.
I’ve learned some hard lessons over the last couple of years as I found my way. One is that this life or the goals we chase don’t have to be an internal race to the finish line. Often, it’s our personally imposed timelines giving us the biggest headaches. Another is how enough we really are. Why so many of us discount the impact or worth we bring, I’ll never truly understand –– even though I’m guilty of it too.
It’s my belief that we chase purpose, goals and the need to contribute so hard we never see the good we’re doing while we’re running to the end of the line. We also forget about the other important things all around us while we’re in that race, too. It’s like we have blinders on, to be honest.
While we’ve all heard reference to the intentional yes and what it means, I want to introduce you to something that I think takes even more courage. Saying no.
Let me tell you, when I would have to tell someone I couldn’t take on a project or help with something, I internally cringed inside. I would almost feel the weight of their disappointment and let it consume me!
Psychology Today published an article by Judith Sills Ph.D in 2013 which resonates so much as it relates to this topic. She starts off by explaining how saying no in a social society feels akin to being selfish, but it’s not. Below is an excerpt from the essay:
No is both the tool and the barrier by which we establish and maintain the distinct perimeter of the self. No says, “This is who I am; this is what I value; this is what I will and will not do; this is how I will choose to act.” We love others, give to others, cooperate with others, and please others, but we are, always and at the core, distinct and separate selves. We need No to carve and support that space.
Despite having a background as a mental health professional, I’m human. I innately want to please and be a part of something bigger than myself. We are all naturally community creatures always looking for a way to belong, too. It would take stressing myself out to the point of losing my hair to really do some internal reflection. During this tough personal season, a good friend gave me some beautiful advice and used the word courage as it related to saying no.
It’s stuck with me and I hope it’ll stick with you, too.
I’ve slowly been examining my plate and removing what I cannot either maintain or doesn’t bring me true joy. I’m also ensuring my day isn’t filled with things for others, but that there’s time for me. How can we be anything for anyone else when we aren’t what we need, first? We are the keys to our own happiness.
Saying no hasn’t come without tears or guilt as I’ve done it, I won’t mislead you! But I will tell you about how it’s led to feeling less weight of responsibility on my chest and more moments to truly breathe deeper and be more present. By saying no, I’m finally saying yes to things like playing with my children more and sitting outside with my husband, enjoying the fall breeze.
I challenge you all to find the courage to say no, especially now as we enter into the holiday season. Take time and invest in yourselves and your health. You’re worth it.