Viral military family reunion videos bring tears to many eyes. Not shown is everything leading up to that moment. One Army family is opening that door to show the world what deployment is really like.
Samantha Gomolka and deployment are old friends. Her husband just kissed her goodbye as he left for his 15th deployment since joining the Army, and the 9th since marrying and having their children. “The kids are adjusted in that it seems normal to have him gone. In the last six years the Optempo has been incredibly high, so we’ve transitioned into a life that can be sustained independent of his work schedule,” she shared.
Her children no longer cry when their father deploys.
That lack of emotion used to cause her to pause with heartache, but no longer. It’s become their new normal and how their family learned to adapt to be able to live a military lifestyle. “The kids are resilient; they squeal when he calls home and love on him the moment he returns, but we all tend to go into ‘deployment mode’ to endure the separations.” Gomolka praised their children’s strength but said that at the same time it still causes her deep sadness to reflect on how much time has been spent apart. “I can tell how much time we have been separated by scrolling through the pictures in my phone, and seeing all the memories we have created without him here,” she said.
“I am very much different now than I was at the beginning. Early on, there used to be cute care packaging with themes and decorations, handwritten letters and a huge void was felt when he was gone. Since having our children and working full time, my days are incredibly full. I’ll admit that the care package crafting has definitely suffered. My love for my soldier hasn’t diminished though, if anything it’s grown. We are an amazing team, he is my best friend – but my life’s responsibilities have changed since that first deployment,” Gomolka explained.
These days, packages come from Amazon to his APO address.
Gomolka is a Physician Assistant for a dermatology office. Her days are packed with seeing patients and assisting in surgeries, so there isn’t much time left over to make those packages or worry about him. “My job requires a high level of professionalism every single day. There’s not a whole lot of room for me to bring emotional baggage,” she explained. The people she takes care of will never know that behind her tired eyes are the long nights waiting for him to return from dangerous missions.
“The truth of deployments is only reserved for those close to me in the ‘inner circle’. To the world, I will always put on a happy face. The truth and struggle though, is a very vulnerable place that I don’t often share,” Gomolka explained.
In 2016, her husband had a particularly intense combat deployment. Despite being a seasoned spouse used to deployments, it’s the one deployment she’ll never forget. “There was one night and this one mission…I had a complete breakdown.” Gomolka shared. “It is still difficult to talk about today. There was a death, but we (the wives) didn’t know who or where. I experienced raw emotions that night, that I hadn’t felt before or since that evening.”
Her gratitude for making it through that deployment goes to the group of women walking alongside her, since their soldiers were right there with hers. She shared that those deep friendships forged within the Special Ops military spouse community is what held her together.
“Some days in deployment I feel powerful and I am rocking it. Other days, I crawl in the door and its cereal for dinner,” Gomolka shared. She continued, “Deployments are marathons not sprints. I had to learn to manage my expectations of what I need to do to make it across the finish line.”
When asked if she felt military spouses experience their own trauma related to deployments, Gomolka said she feels they absolutely do. She then referenced her own breakdown in 2016 and how that deployment still impacts her today. “We are at the tail end of his career. The end of the tunnel is in sight, it’s giving me that final push. If we had much longer to go, I don’t know… I am getting tired,” Gomolka explained
A 2013 Rand study found that deployments to combat zones have increased the risk of divorce for troops. But Gomolka and her husband have deeply committed themselves to beating those odds. “Our marriage is our number one priority. We have to be diligent on our weak areas and what we need to focus on to get through it. We joke that after 16 years of marriage that our only issue is that we are never together,” she shared.
Gomolka credits their friendship developed as children as what helped foster their connection beyond what devastation deployments can bring to a marriage. “We had a solid foundation. A lot of it is that we have open communication and we’ve set rules on what our behavior and choices look like. We made the decision to always honor the other person,” she explained.
Although her husband has been gone much of their marriage, Gomolka shared that he has created powerful stolen moments that she clings to when deployments get hard. One memory in particular stands out for her. “He was in the states for 36 hours and he drove through the night to meet me at a wedding so I wouldn’t have to dance alone,” she shared with a smile. Gomolka uses memories like that one to power her through their separations.
If she could talk directly to new military spouses, she’d tell them to find their person. Gomolka stressed the importance of finding seasoned spouses willing to show them the ropes, and giving yourself permission to ask for help. As a young Army wife, those spouses changed her life. “I met these spouses at my first FRG meeting… We are still friends to this day. You just need that one person to make a connection with and take you under their wing,” Gomolka explained.
Being a military spouse who’s faced what feels like endless deployments has brought unexpected blessings to Gomolka’s life too. “I don’t think it’s all bad, there’s been a lot of benefits and joy along the way. Developing my character and making me a stronger and more independent woman is definitely a gift of the military lifestyle,” she shared.
If you happen to see a military spouse during a deployment, they don’t want your pity. Try to find ways to support them without them having to ask. But when you see a uniformed military member, do more than thank them for their service. Take a moment to breathe in their deep sacrifice for this country, but also know that their spouse carries that heavy weight too.
Every single day.