Catherine Vandament, LMSW
As we gear up for another holiday season, you and I both know we have spent significant time scrolling sites like Pottery Barn, Home Goods, and Pinterest for inspiration for the perfectly curated holiday mantles and tablespaces. To be fair, I love a good Pinterest binge on a cold, rainy fall day as much as anyone.
I caught myself mid-scroll at a ridiculous hour of the night and wondered what in the world I was doing. Why am I trying to create something or re-create someone else’s holiday vision? What was I truly after? Surely, it wasn’t the P-word again!
I have fallen victim to the idea of perfection one time too many. Probably because, true confession, I am a recovering perfectionist with a fear of disappointing others. I am sure you have been there at one time or another. In times like this, we have to pause and ask ourselves, “Do I want people to remember that the event I hosted was perfect, stunning, and gorgeous, or do I want them to revel in the feelings of comfort, joy, and home?”
If you fall into the second camp like me, you are searching for the lost art of hospitality. This word frightens people because it forces us to face the possibility of being imperfect. We spend more time trying to be ‘as good as’ or ‘out-do’ ‘ or ‘upstage’ or ‘keep up with’ the illusive idea of perfect. Again, I refer you back to Pinterest.
Merriam-Webster’s definition of hospitality is: “the activity or business of providing services to guests in hotels, restaurants, bars, etc.” Examples listed are valet parking, turn-down services, and wedding favors that guests will never remember.
I’m keeping it real here, but I’m afraid I must disagree with the fine folks at Merriam-Webster. Hospitality is not the extras, and it is not a business. It is not the perfect balloon arch or place cards or party menu that you spent weeks lamenting over. It shouldn’t be hospitality because you broke the bank to host an event that made you miserable to attend.
Genuine hospitality, the kind that sticks with people and creates a sense of magic, does not have a price tag. It is free. For everyone. It doesn’t have to come with bell service and chocolate mints on the pillow.
Radical hospitality, as I like to call it, is having an utterly disheveled house and forgoing the cleaning because the people you invite into your space are more valuable to you than appearances. And it is not even about inviting someone into your home. I know that can be vulnerable. Hospitality is asking someone for coffee or a playdate. Hospitality is taking someone a meal or shooting them money via Venmo to cover dinner just because when you live thousands of miles away.
We need a hard reset when it comes to the idea of hospitality. Refrain from trying to Pinterest your way to an impossible idea of perfection that leaves you emotionally and mentally drained before you even host your fill-in-the-blank event.
At the end of the day, the secret to hospitality is simple. It is about being your genuine self and is rooted in acts of kindness. Hospitality is showing up in authentic ways that make others feel seen.
There are no rules for how to be radically hospitable to others. Sometimes we just need permission to do things differently. Consider this me giving you permission to color outside the lines when it comes to hospitality. The possibilities are endless, so, how will you step into this holiday season, and beyond, with radical hospitality?
Catherine Vandament is a seasoned military spouse, mom of two, adoption advocate, public speaker, and infertility warrior. She graduated with her Master of Social Work degree from the University of Central Florida in 2023 and holds a Bachelor of Science in Education from Kansas State University. Catherine’s dedication to creating compassionate spaces that foster vulnerability in the military community makes her a two-time Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year, representing Scott Air Force Base (2019) and Fairchild Air Force Base (2018).