Dropping my separation paperwork was a rush of excitement, immediately followed by crashing waves of competing emotion. I hadn’t expected that leaving the military would at times feel exhilarating, only to have fear and panic rush in on the coat-tails of excitement.
If you, or your family are facing a transition from military life, take heart and give yourself grace.
Watch Out For Procrastination
Initially, the mere thought of separating from the service can feel absolutely overwhelming. And there are a lot of pieces to get into place.
- The actual separation process and paperwork
- Initiating a veteran’s disability review and claim
- Relocation and planning a final move
- Insurance and avoiding lapses in coverage
- New career or job prospects
Over the past few years, the military has made a concerted effort to bolster transition assistance programs (TAP) for separating servicemembers. From curating programs online to enhanced VA Support, members and their families can access TAP 18 months prior to separation (non-retirement), or 24 months, for retirement.
Trust me, the months click by quicker than you realize. I still can’t prove it, but I’m convinced I went through a wormhole that shortened weeks to days, as my separation date drew near.
And yet, on some days, I knew which mountain of paperwork I should’ve been working on…but struggled to summon the energy to get anything done. Procrastination was merely a symptom of something bigger.
If you, or your spouse seem to be dragging your feet in getting those separation checklists knocked out, it might not be procrastination that you’re fighting. If you haven’t yet put words or thought to it, the idea of letting go and processing a future that won’t include active duty…might actually be the beginning of a grieving process.
You Might Experience Grief
Grief is sneaky, and it’s not reserved solely for the soul-crushing moments of personal loss in our lives. Research professor Brené Brown defines grief as having three foundational elements:
- Loss
- Longing
- Feeling lost
When the retirement, or separation ceremonies have closed, the uniform and boots put away – the initial feeling of loss can surprise you with its intensity. There is the perceived loss of community, perhaps a longing for the camaraderie that once was, punctuated with an acute sharpness of feeling lost.
“If I am not military – what am I?”
Spouses have often grappled with this very question, in trying to determine a sense of self, amongst a near, all-consuming military lifestyle. Particularly after years of service and sacrifice, it can take time to envision a new life – one that is not dictated by the whims and chaos of the military. Some folks seem to know right away what their path is post-military, but it’s more than understandable if you and your family need to take some time to process your military separation.
Creating New Connections
One of our deepest emotional needs, is a sense of belonging. Of being loved. For many, this sense of connection, and having a purpose greater than one’s self was one of the primary reasons for seeking military service in the first place. And for military families – the connections we formed to the service, ranging from volunteer work, to caring for each other and supporting our servicemembers’ as they met the needs of the missions, also created deep connections.
Military life gave us a tribe – even if the tribe was a little thinner at some bases, than others, and we questioned whether it was worth it to try the friend roulette once more. We still had a “collective” tribe. We were military families, or even airmen, sailors and soldiers ourselves.
It can take time to refocus once the uniform comes off. Veterans, yes, we will always be – but the actual transition from military lifestyle, can take on a meandering emotional path of its own, that can feel intensely isolating. But you will need to make new connections. For some, the answer is plugging back into a beloved hometown, for others – it’s finding a new forever home, laying down new roots, and striking a new path.
As each separation form is filed and signed, and the first of the boxes packed for one last move, remember that you are not alone. Whether you have questions regarding finance, retiree, disability, or education benefits, or just need a virtual hug from someone that has gone before – someone is ready to help you.
The comfort, security, and shared empathy that comes from a shared life of military service is still there…uniform on, or retired.