This morning I sat down with my cup of coffee and browsed through Facebook on my phone, as I waited for my kids to finish their breakfast, seeing what those on the east coast had already accomplished today, as we are three hours behind.
Then a specific post popped up from a military spouses’ page. It caught my eye as it was growing with comments by the second.
An influx of attention was brought by one spouse simply asking a question. You would think that those comments would be from other spouses offering support, but that was far from the case. Attack after attack as you scroll down the feed. Calling her ignorant, selfish, with sentences of how she needed to just “figure it out”! The bevy of spouses clinging on to each other’s insults and adding fuel to the fire. It was astonishing to see other people living the same lifestyle, yet shaming her for it! Has social media really blinded us from the reality of other spouses’ feelings?
You can not go a day without seeing these same instances happening at bases all over the world. Taking a statement one spouse makes about getting priority boarding on an airplane and ripping her to shreds for “using something she did not earn”! Calling her a “Dependa”! The ultimate word of shame, a stereotype that belittles, and tears apart the whole traditional role of what is to be a military spouse.
But it’s not just on social media! It is rooted deep within the community. No matter where you are stationed, there is this constant judgment that looms around each corner! You, unfortunately, expect to see bullying when you are a child.
You just never expect it to happen with those who are grown. Being subjected to bullying as an adult can be just as life-changing! It is not something that you would expect to impact you as a strong independent person.
But as someone who has been bullied by fellow military spouses, I can say it impacts you immensely.
Even after 11 years, it dictates how I embrace each place we have moved. To the point that it is more difficult to make friends. It all started at our second duty station and at one point my favorite. We had a great group of friends, always together! Then came a yearlong deployment! I was a young spouse and a mother. New to the lifestyle going on three years. I didn’t understand a lot of things and had more questions than you could imagine. Which in all reality is normal when you have uprooted from all that you have known for the last 18 years and move around the country.
This lifestyle is different, it is not like anything you have lived before. I thought I had found some good friends, but I learned really quickly that was the furthest from the truth.
It took one small disagreement to land myself face to face with the ultimate bully. I went from someone who was friendly with all the other spouses to someone who could not drive down the road without getting flipped off or screamed at.
It took one person to change who I was. All through school I was outgoing, and friends with just about everyone. But then I changed and became afraid to even speak to others. Seven months into the deployment there were so many rumors I heard about myself that I could not keep up. Things I never said or stuff that I never did being thrown around. There I was unable to stand up for myself and my husband was over 6,000 miles away in Iraq.
Good friends stopped speaking to me as they feared the reprisal that would be tossed at them if the one who started it all found out. It turned into a show, one where I was the ultimate joke. When the deployment ended it did not get any better. If anything, it just continued to get worse.
At that point, I found out I had my own theme song.
One that was played at platoon gatherings and belted out of my bullies’ mouth. I am sure they all enjoyed every second of making fun of me. I somehow managed to stick it out for the most part and ignore as much as I possibly could. But I am human, and it was hard and eventually, she/they broke me down time and time again.
But it never really hit me as hard as when I heard the rumor about me losing my baby and being happy about it. I had made a trip to the hospital a few days prior due to pregnancy bleeding. The doctor told me that it was a possibility that the bleeding was me passing what could have been a second fetus, but there was no way for them to tell because I was still very early.
My husband was away at drill school and I had confided in someone I thought I could trust. I would learn a few days later I could trust no one! All of this officially broke me! This place that I loved turned into one I never wanted to step foot in again. I went on to the next duty station a few months later where it took me a long time to even open up to being around other spouses!
Throughout the years I have managed to work through the fear and have started to open myself back up. Trying to discover the new stronger me. I have made quite a few amazing lifelong friends at each place we have lived but for the rest of my life, I will battle that fear that one person planted in my head. The fear of being broken down again. The fear that my name comes with a theme song. The fear that others will look at me as evil because of something someone decided to make up. That fear of standing in a crowded room and being completely alone. I will never fully understand why this happened to me, or why it continues to happen to so many other military spouses on a daily basis.
What makes someone lash out, using their words to belittle someone that stands in the shoes they once wore?
This lifestyle is HARD! Everyone has questions, and concerns and that should be okay! We should stand side by side in support and love as we walk this same journey. Standing up for those whose voices are being silenced by overwhelming pettiness and malicious behavior. Bringing back the true definition of what it is to be a military spouse!