By Lainey Crown
The impact of military life can show up in some unique ways.
You know that feeling when you walk into a room full of people you don’t know? I have learned it can be extra difficult as a military spouse walking into a room of civilians. I struggle to make friends who are not military-connected. There is something about the awkward small talk that makes me cringe. On the flip side, nearly every time I walk into a room of military spouses, it’s easy. There is something about sending your person into combat that changes you and with other military spouses it is easy- they just get me.
Living in a mostly civilian area the last 8 or so years has been challenging and often isolating. It was not until I was in graduate school to become a mental health counselor, when I was reading a paper by Dr. Christine Luby on secondary trauma that I understood the feeling of being different. I was experiencing the impact of secondary trauma. One of the ways secondary trauma may impact you is feeling different from others, like there was no way they could get me. This is why with military spouses it was easier for me; I cou.d be vulnerable and be seen. With this new insight, I started talking to some of my other military spouse friends. Much to my shock, I realized I was not alone, many others felt like this too- it was actually normal to feel this way.
Secondary trauma is a newer term and like most things horribly misinterpreted on social media. So what is it and how might it show up? Secondary trauma is any trauma that has been experienced by a loved one or someone we’re close to. That phone call that had to end because the missile sirens were going off, not hearing from your person at the routine time and hearing there was an attack at their location, learning someone in the unit ended their life, all of these are common occurrences seasoned spouses have experienced. These exposures to traumatic events can lead to impacts on the way we view the world.
There are many ways secondary trauma can show up in our lives and they may look different depending on the person and even the season. Maybe we feel overwhelmed by all of the tasks we have to juggle, we isolate ourselves, we might feel emotionally overwhelmed or on edge and we might have intrusive thoughts. Because there are many ways the impacts of secondary trauma can show up and “normal” looks different for everyone, recognizing when we feel off or emotionally elevated is crucial. Once we have the ability to recognize this, we have the power to change it.
So what do you do? Decompress and self care. Cool. But what does that actually mean? Again, self care is one of those things misrepresented online. Self care is not just massages and mani-pedi days. Self-care can be going for a run, walk or swim; it can be playing video games alone or with friends; hosting a game night or curling up with a book; going to dinner with friends, going dancing, or just having a phone call with your bestie stationed across the world. Self care can be many things, the most important part is that it brings you joy. The second most important part, especially when it relates to trauma exposure, is that there is an element of human connection as that is a major mitigating factor to trauma exposure.
So my amazing military spouse, here is to you. Schedule time for you and your friends. Know that you might see the world differently and that is ok. You are amazing as you are and you have great insight to share with the world, even if you feel different.
Lainey Crown is a mental health clinician, military spouse and mom of three. She is an advocate for strong families and mental health through the chaos that is military life. @project.reforged