Have you ever walked through a difficult season with a friend, a season that would require you to quietly hold hands with her until she can hope again?
Amber was my best friend. Really, she was the first friend that I had made as a new military spouse and we experienced much of our beginning years figuring out this amazing, but sometimes terribly chaotic, lifestyle as active duty families. We spent an extravagant amount of our time daydreaming over coffee or lunch. We would imagine the jobs we’d have, the houses we’d live in, and the places we would travel to. The two of us also had a fond hope of children.
The journey for each of us to become mothers brought us closer together. We both found out we were pregnant within weeks of each other and the day dreaming only increased. Amber and I would stop and look at the sweet baby clothing and the boutique nursery room linens. Baby names and showers dominated our conversations.
Then, there was a day that started out like any other. But this day would be painful. Sorrow hung heavily in the air. She was crushed by the weight of loss, and because she was like my sister, I was too. Amber had experienced a miscarriage.
If I close my eyes and think about the week that followed, tears still begin to gently roll. I can still hear the crinkling of the paper as she climbed onto the exam table. It felt as if her entire body baulked at the concept of this dull and sterile room. Her husband and I waited as the doctor explained the upcoming procedure. As the doctor exited the room, the grief was too much to bear. She let out a cry that seemed almost other worldly and my heart broke alongside of hers.
Madeline May was delivered at 12 weeks gestation.
As her friend, all I wanted was to encourage her, to let her know- in thought and deed- that she was not alone. I’m sure that I made many mistakes and, being well meaning, said things that didn’t help, or event hurt.
After 14 years of being a spouse, and nearly a decade serving as a military missionary, I have learned much about sharing in grief. Trauma and loss are the new mission field of our time, and as those who hope to restore and refresh those mourning the loss of an infant or pregnancy, we must be intentional about being present and compassionate. Otherwise, we run the risk of causing even more hurt with our words and actions. Here are some helpful Do’s and Don’ts that give guidance for those looking to encourage and support a woman who has lost a child.
DO listen and feel her pain with her. Enter in to this space by being empathetic. She needs someone to feel her pain with her- not to feel sorry for her.
DO be available. Answer the phone, go to her house, driver her to the appointments. Give her the assurance of being cared for by showing up.
DO say things like, “I want to be here for you now.” or, “I really care about how you are doing.”
DON’T minimize the problem. Any statement beginning with the phrase “At least” should NOT be used. “At least you have other children,” or, “At least you know that you can get pregnant.”
DON’T invoke their lack of faith or need of it by saying things like, “Trust God and you will have children,” or “If you just have enough faith…” This type of statement places a specific kind of spiritual guilt on a person. Also, you can’t know what the future holds.
DON’T say, “It wasn’t meant to be,” or, “There’s always next time.” These statements are unfeeling and only make the woman you’re speaking to feel isolated and alone.
Another resource is a book that I keep on hand to gift to the grieving mother called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew” by Kathe Wunenburg. I wanted to interview her and share her story because she has such a heart for women, and for the military community.
Kathe Wunenburg is the author of “Hopelifter” and “Grieving the Child I Never Knew.” She is the founder of Hopelifters Unlimited, a Christian mentoring and training organization. Kathe is the mother of three living sons and four in Heaven.
Kathe had experienced three miscarriages and a baby with a fatal birth defect. From 14 weeks, Kathe knew that her son, John Samuel, would not live long after birth. She carried him for an additional 29 weeks and delivered him full term. He lived for a couple of hours after birth. She says “Yes, I went through it, but I have walked with multitudes of women through this hidden pain. They might only have a positive test to show for their baby – or some have had a chance to hold them. This book is an effort to sit with them while they are in pain. There is a sisterhood in suffering.”
When I spoke with her, she shared about a unique way that she serves women who have suffered the loss of a child. Every year, on Mother’s Day, she rents a bus and takes them on a day trip- a trip to remember that they are seen, loved, and wanted.
Q. How did you bus trip get started?
A. “We just celebrated our 10-year anniversary of our annual bus trip. It all started in my alone time with God. I wanted other women to have time away with God. I knew that a retreat would be impossible for so many- especially on Mother’s Day. But, a bus trip for a short day away was possible.”
Q. What was the first trip like?
A. “The first year, 18 women- all of them had lost a child- jumped on my bus and we would spend the day together. No matter what side of the isle you are on, on the bus- you are either in deep pools of pain or in a spot to give a way some encouragement. I pass around a microphone and let them share their stories By the end of the day, when we pull in at 9:00 pm, their hearts are full. They have been given permission to be the mother of the child they lost.”
Q. If you were in a room full of military spouses experiencing grief, what would you want to say to them?
A. “You’re not alone. Look around. We are share the language of loss. You will get through this. It may not feel like it now, but I believe that God allows us to go through hard things in order to walk with others when they are in hard times. God loves you. He will never leave you. He will give you exactly what you need to get through.”
Kathe inspires me to want to make more of a difference in the world, to care deeply about those around me. She always tells me that “The greatest thing that we do for others is to hold their hand and touch their heart. Heartbeat to heartbeat, we are called to bind up the broken hearted.” She is a dear friend, caring mentor, and a woman who is so passionate about The Lord. To connect with Kathe, visit hopelifters.com.
Megan Brown is a seasoned military spouse and military missionary. She is the Military Liaison for the Speak Up Conference Global Missions Military Scholarship and the 2019-Armed Forces Insurance Robins AFB Military Spouse of the Year. She is passionate about military mission work, teaching and preaching about Jesus in and out of the local church. She lives in middle Georgia with her husband, Keith, and their energetic kiddos. She is a Bible teacher, speaker, and freelance writer. To learn more or connect with Megan, visit www.meganbbrown.com.
Hislop, Bev. Shepherding women in Pain. Chicago, IL. Moody Publishers. 2010. Print.