I’ve always been the helper; not really the helpless. When people ask me if I need help I always politely decline even when I need it. I have this notion in my head that I don’t deserve help especially when it inconveniences someone else. I had friends offer to watch my kids for a few hours while I took a break, but I insisted I was fine. I wasn’t.
I contemplated my heartache and realized then I felt guilty because all around me I could see people with intense loss, WORTHY suffering, and REAL issues. I saw people dealing with ugly terms: cancer, suicide, adultery, and truly awful things. I felt guilty for feeling picked on. One day at an hour when visitors were not anticipated, I heard my name in a hushed whisper at the top of my stairs. There I was, sobbing behind at least twelve loads of unfolded laundry and now I was about to become the plot of a new episode of nightmare next door.
The figure that protruded from the hallway was not a murder, but a friend and fellow military spouse holding a loaf of homemade bread. She caught me, in my not so strong state. We had a brief talk and she explained to me, “this is going to be a long year if you don’t let other people help you.” I love her for that. I then realized that it didn’t make me a “Dependa,” or incapable to admit that I wasn’t thriving on my own, because apparently everyone else could see it too. These trials were real, and I couldn’t shoulder them alone.
Individual trials are unique, real, and meant for fortifying and building. The fact that your neighbor just lost a loved one does not make the fact that you miss your absent husband any less real or unimportant. Comparing trials is illogical. Everyone has a different version of strength and a different approach to countering tragedy and weakness. You should never feel guilty because your hardships “seem small.” Everyone has a breaking point and, I would dare say, sometimes you need to break in order to realize how strong you really are and to identify the aspects you need to work on.
There is a stigma that surrounds our community. This stigma notions that we are strong, capable, and noble humans that survive hardships that are unique and intense. What is less apparent is that we don’t shoulder these hardships alone. Our niche is so full of love and charity. Most spouses will leap at the opportunity to help one another, and not just during deployment but always. We need to accept that help that is so willingly and lovingly given us. Doing so does not make us needy, or weak. I’ve found that accepting help is actually quite humbling and requires more strength than I’ve ever imagined. You are worthy of such help and so is your cause. Never let those voices in your head convince you otherwise. Strong things will break. When they do, there will be many carpenters to rebuild, resulting in an even more fortified and resilient result.
