5 Tips For Life From a Seasoned Military Spouse

After a decade or two, you become a seasoned military spouse, and you pick up a few bits of wisdom. Whether it’s something you experienced first-hand or painfully witnessed from the back row, heeding just a few tips from seasoned spouses can save you from awkward or painful moments later. 1. Steer clear from those who gossip . Along the military life way you’ll meet spouses (and service members) who tend to gossip about other people, families, careers, parenting or appearance. These people should come with warning labels and flashing lights. You’ll find those who gossip about other spouses, commanders or other service members are just wolves in sheep’s clothing. These wolves do not have your best interest in mind and probably can’t keep your most coveted secrets to themselves. Surround yourself with those who will build you up, spouses and friends who are your moral equal and those who are not quick to judge others. Many military careers and marriages have been hurt by gossip and we promise NO ONE has ever been helped by gossip. Remember this, gossip is actually another form self-loathing. If you gossip, it actually says more about you than those you’re talking about. 2. Keep your resume to yourself, at least in the short term. There are a good percentage of military spouses who’ve had some amazing careers and education prior to being (and during their life as) a military spouse. However, reciting your resume on the onset of new friendships is actually more of a barrier than bonding technique. As military spouses, we all have different backgrounds and entry points into this life. Some spouses married right out of high school, others married at 35 years old while deep into their careers, we are as different as the military members we married. Reciting your resume to some how prove you’re different is a sign of insecurity and will immediately place distance between you and new friendships. Find commonality and genuine friendship before you bust out your long list of accomplishments. In this world, we are equal and share a unique life style that only a small percentage of American’s can really understand. 3. Don’t always believe what you read online. When you read something on a popular military blog or Facebook post, chances are you are not reading the truth – it’s an opinion . A blogger doesn’t have to fact check a story or have multiple sources. No, they just need a keyboard, Internet, an agenda and a bag of Cheetos to write a piece. People tend to give credence to what they read on the Internet. Writing a blog and posting on Facebook and Twitter is not the same as journalism – gossip maybe, but not journalism. Resist the urge to be spoon-fed information only to regurgitate it afterwards to others. Think for yourself. Stop group-think. There are always two sides to every story and truth is somewhere in between. Find credible news organizations and journalists to follow if you want to learn more about military life. As for those horrible and hurtful social media sites about military spouses, stay clear of them. The people (and I use that word loosely) who run those sites are nothing more than cowards behind keyboards who strive to push out damaging and offensive imagery. No, it’s not funny. No, we don’t need to “lighten up” about it and yes, it is a form of cyberbullying . Don’t get caught up in the “popularity” of a grotesque view of our world. When you visit those sites you aren’t just reading about the problem, you become the problem. 4. Just because a spouse doesn’t participate, doesn’t mean they aren’t supportive. There are many military spouses who choose not to volunteer or participate in military related activities. It’s really easy to jump to conclusions when the command spouse doesn’t attend any of the socials, jump on the meal train, or when a spouse doesn’t show up to a promotion or retirement ceremony. We all have our crosses to bear in this life and you never really know the whole story of why they don’t participate. A spouse could have debilitating anxiety and can’t make it through a social event. Or a spouse could have two special needs children at home and can’t make it to a function during the day or isn’t comfortable with a sitter. Or maybe the spouse is struggling with the assignment and can’t get out of bed. Or maybe a spouse can’t take the time off from his or her own job to attend. The point is, you don’t really ever know why a spouse choses not to participate in military functions, but it doesn’t mean they love their service members any less than you do. Reserve judgment for someone else. 5. You cannot be all things to all people. Over the many decades of being a military spouse, you’ll be asked to volunteer much of your time. From spouses clubs to your military members work place, there will be plenty of opportunities to volunteer. Pace yourself. Burn out can happen fast if you overload your volunteer plate too quickly. Spreading yourself too then will build resentment over time. Do it because of you love it, not because you feel like you have to do it. Be selective about how you choose to volunteer. Find the one thing or the one place you are passionate about such as local schools, clinics, squadrons, key spouses, new births, welcoming new families, pet sitting, homecomings or deployments – whatever it may be - and throw yourself into it. Volunteers are just that, volunteers. We are unpaid, time-strapped, multi-tasking, big-hearted, generous people. Remember to be kind to each other, too, because you never know what someone else is managing at home while they're trying not to disappoint their peers. The most important job you will have is taking care of yourself and your family - nothing else matters. Put YOU first, then your family…and then all volunteer jobs. Volunteer for YOU because it makes you feel amazing. Volunteering will not help your spouses career, it just won’t. Your spouse is on their own when it comes to promotion; being married is no longer on their job performance report. Volunteering makes very little difference to their mission, no matter how many hours you give. However, it will help the military community you call family become stronger and more resilient. Volunteering will make you a better person. Volunteer because it matters to you. And you might find yourself on the Today Show as the next Military Spouse of the Year . :) Connect with us on Facebook!

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