Deployment Didn't Separate Us. We CHOSE to Live Apart...Here's WHY!

Deployment SUCKS!

It’s one of the worst parts of military life. One spouse is left to deal with life and kids ALONE while the other has to work and miss out on the consistency and comfort of family. And who gets married to be separated right?!

But if living apart for months is SO BAD, why would anyone CHOOSE to do it?

Believe it or not plenty of people do. And just like anything else, they have their reasons . I got to chat with some amazing women who’ve done it.

Now… whether or not it's a move they would make again varies. But they all learned from it, and have some advice for anybody THINKING about taking the leap into that abyss of separation .

Let’s peek through the fence into their backyard and see why they made that choice…

WHAT MOTIVATED YOUR DECISION?

“I kept getting pneumonia…it was the crazy VA weather. So when he came back home he decided he was moving us [his wife and kids] back to Houston.” – D’Antrese, MD

“We decided for him to do Germany alone because he’d be deploying and we had just come from Japan back stateside. We had three children under 5 and I needed to be with family vs. alone overseas again.” – La Queshia

“I moved ahead of him so that I could transfer my job and get away from a mentally draining boss.” – Ashley, MD

“I stayed in our home state because I had a great job with great pay…if I had given up a career I worked so hard to get then there would have been feelings of resentment.” - Alysa, NC

WAS IT HARD, OK, or EASY PEESY?

“It was hard as far a parenting two [kids]. It was easy as far as childcare … our families were able to help … the burden didn’t always fall on me” – Kristen, NC

Antoinette in NC says, “It was very hard. My kids hated when it was time to leave . I hated when it was time to leave. We focused on just staying busy and planning things to do when we were all back together.”

Alysa -“We had done a lot of long distance before … so choosing to stay apart when we had the choice to be together wasn’t that difficult. We do well long distance.”

“It was easy during boot camp through Japan. But during my pregnancy and the first six months after [baby] was born I was miserable because it was so difficult.” - Joi, NC

WHAT DID YOU DO TO PASS THE TIME?

“I work 40 to 60 hours a week so that’s enough to pass the time. Also since it’s hometown, I made time to be with friends and family.” -Kristine

D’ Antrese , “I ran for Ms. Black Texas and WON! Also, I finished school.”

“Carrying a child, and caring for one after working 8 to 10 hours in a preschool was enough to keep me busy” - Jhenelle

HOW (if at all) DID IT MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER?

“I would say it definitely made the relationship stronger because that choice prepared us for when the choice was taken from us” – Antoinette

Alysa says , “Being long distance always helps our relationship because we really hone our communication skills.”

Jhenelle - “We missed each other so much! We knew what it felt like to be apart and realized we didn’t want to do it ever again!”

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE A COUPLE THINKING ABOUT LIVING APART?

D’Antrenese says, “Communicate, keep parents out of your business and COMMUNICATE.”

La Queshia wants couples to “Be realistic about where you are in life, relationship, mental health, children, etc. A lot of consideration should go into whatever choice you make. Because you’ll regret both at some point, but it’ll help to be as prepared as possible and remember why you chose one or the other.”

There were more responses to this question, but the main vibe was that you should definitely COMMUNICATE with your spouse.

So now, I’ll add my 2 cents .

My hubby and I recently faced this decision. I’d even made a ‘special’ trip home to vet elementary schools.

Pros: The kids and I would have been surrounded by family.

Cons: OUR family would have been apart for almost 8 months. The thought alone hurts me. The time, experiences and milestones we would have missed! Not cuddling next to my man errr night! Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Love Languages but I’m FLUENT in Quality Time & Affectionate Touch . So it’s highly unlikely that I'd choose living apart.

But here’s your end of the day tip. Do you! Whatever works in YOUR house is what matters!

To every spouse who let me on her virtual couch to dish about this, THANKS!

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