For most of my adolescent life I found it easier to meander my way from friend group to friend group instead of planting roots in any one place. Maybe it was because no one could label me or put me in a box as the jock or the church kid. Perhaps it was because I felt more comfortable in the background, never shining as any one thing, but mastering how to appeal to the masses. In doing this I was able to avoid the woes of teenage drama and keep the status quo while I navigated the turbulent years that are high school (and those first couple years of sorority life too).
It was not until I reached my well-marinated status as a military spouse that I realized I never leaned into my relationships in my youth because I never found genuine connection that I could cling to. It was never about a label or wanting to stand in the shadows as a supporting character, it was an absence of being seen and valued. I could tell people that I am a Texas girl, mom of two, wife, former educator who loves tacos, Topo Chico, running and Jesus all day long, and I might find someone who knows what in the world Topo Chico is. But that is the surface level stuff. You know the deeper kind of connection I am talking about, right? The connection where you can say nothing, do nothing and your friend just knows what you need? Where the phone rings at the exact right moment with the just right person on the other end. The kind of connection that energizes you from head to toe. I realized that this level of connection was one of the things I did not find until I was willing to create space for someone else’s purpose.
In the last five years lots of things about our world and our military community have changed. Some for the better and some for worse. Lately, I hear a resounding cry from military spouses desiring connection. They do not just want it, they crave it. I see it in spouses new and old to the military, in the spouses new on an installation, and in the spouses that are navigating a hard season of life. Every spouse wants to be connected. Purposefully rooted.
One of my favorite people who speaks about connection is Brene Brown. In her book Daring Greatly she wrote, “We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives us purpose and meaning in our lives and without it there is suffering.” Hardwired.
My friends, let me take Berne’s words one step further. We were uniquely designed to be in connection with one another. It is evident from the oldest of texts. In Genesis 2:18, our Creator tells us that none of us should be alone, and He makes a companion for Adam. And in the book of Ruth I see Naomi in all her pain and emptiness, wanting to be alone. But God beautifully wrote it in Ruth’s heart to stay with her and return to Bethlehem, never leaving her side. I truly believe that as military spouses we are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to sit in our loneliness, our pain, our frustrations – and boy there are many- we are meant to walk with each other through this unique lifestyle. Our spouses suffer, as Brene shared, because they have not found connection or their purpose. They lack the space to give and receive freely without reservation. And what we need is more compassionate spaces for vulnerability. Dear reader, I know you are thinking, ‘what can I do?” The answer is to create the space. Whether it is opening your yard for the neighborhood kids to have homework club, a bible study, a lunch bunch, or a support group for any topic you could imagine. You CAN create space outside your phone and out from behind your computer screen. You already have something in common, you are military spouses. Go scared and draw strength in each other’s purpose. Remember, you are hardwired for connection.