Pre-parenthood, I coped with my husband’s deployments by treating myself.
I hit the Starbucks drive-thru harder. Online shopping and Netflix entertained me into the wee hours. I distracted myself with these fleeting indulgences, telling myself that I deserved some leniency. Not the healthiest coping mechanism, but what was I hurting, besides my wallet and beauty sleep?
Now I have a kid, and it is not without some embarrassment that I admit not to only spoiling myself when my spouse is deployed, but also to spoiling my military kid. Later bedtimes, dessert before dinner, and new toys “just because” are among the allowances that my permissiveness grants him.
Knowing full well that my laxity in restrictive parenting can’t be good, I also wonder, am I alone in this?
According to several sources, this pattern of relaxed parenting is not uncommon amongst military spouses during deployment. A 2014 study performed at the University of Tulsa found that
- 13% of at-home parents broke from their children’s regular bedtimes, daily routines, and “decreased demands on their children” mere weeks after the serving parent deployed.
- 10% purposefully kept regular routines, which leads me to assume that most military moms and dads fall somewhere in-between, letting their consistency slip in moderation.
The culprit of this slippage?
Stress.
According to The Parenting Cycle of Deployment by researchers Dr. Ellen R. DeVoe and Abigail Ross, 83% of caregivers are stressed by taking on the full load of parental responsibilities and 80% are overwhelmed with “the need to support a child in dealing with the separation of a deployed parent.” With mothers especially, as noted by Drs. Kimberly Speck and David S. Riggs of Purdue University, the depression and anxiety which stem from deployment stress lead to “parenting laxness.” Upon finding all of this new information, I was both relieved to understand the cause of my lenient parenting and perplexed as to what effect it could have on my child.
Internally, I have always justified my mid-deployment hedonism by calling it “compensatory spoiling,” wherein I attempt to alleviate my stress or loneliness with little extravagances (e.g., I miss my spouse, so I deserve a pedicure). Is it any different than a service member receiving separation pay? The extra money may not make up for time apart from family, but it helps. Now that this mindset infects my mothering skills, I recklessly throw toys and treats at my son to ease my own sense of strain and guilt.
“Sure, you can have a cake pop!” I tell him, the subtext being, Poor thing, you haven’t seen your dad in ages.
However, by saying yes to his every whim, I am both setting him up for a sense of entitlement and severely underestimating his resilience. Acknowledging the error of my ways, I again turned to the experts for guidance on my parenting course correction.
During my research, no medical journal or study specifically outlined the detrimental effects of my unrestrictive parenting, but one common solution to raising well-adjusted kids during deployment resounded throughout all of my resources: show your children love and support, and they will thrive. Consistent routines and maintaining house rules come highly recommended as well, but warmth and nurturance are paramount, contributing to “better youth functioning during parental absence,” states a 2015 University of Southern California psychology review.
As reported by Speck and Riggs, nurturing parents who demonstrate “high levels of restrictiveness” can expect their children to exhibit fewer depressive symptoms, better coping skills, greater social and psychological functioning, and better academic performance.
As if I need another reason to keep my lazy parenting in check, I can infer from these studies, as well as recall from my own experience, that if my son is healthy and happy, I will be less stressed.
Herein lies the catch-22 of effective parenting mid-deployment: attentive and consistent parenting comes easiest when stress levels are low, yet the struggle of being the sole provider of support and stability for children magnifies stress, making your “Parent of the Year” award feel damn near unattainable.
How to outsmart the vicious cycle?
Take care of yourself. Nay, spoil yourself. Not necessarily with retail therapy or Frappuccinos, but with whatever alleviates your stress (no indulgences need be directed at the kids). Maybe you talk to a friend while driving them to practice, or read a good book while they watch a movie? It does not have to break your routine or budget, and your children will benefit from the positive effects. New coping tools in hand, I plan on reigning in my freewheeling, extravagant style of parenting, trading leniency for stability and treats for hugs.
Let it not be said that I made a spoiled brat of my military brat.
References
Creech, S., Hadley, W., Borsari, B., Brown, Ronald T., & Chan, Connie S. (2014). The Impact of Military Deployment and Reintegration on Children and Parenting: A Systematic Review. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45(6), 452-464.
DeVoe, Ellen R. (2012). The Parenting Cycle of Deployment. Military Medicine, 177(2), 186.
Helping a Young Child Cope With a Parent’s Deployment. (2017). Retrieved November 5, 2017, from https://www.military.com/spouse/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/help-child-cope-with-parents-deployment.html
Louie, A., Cromer, L., Brown, Ronald T., & Chan, Connie S. (2014). Parent–Child Attachment During the Deployment Cycle: Impact on Reintegration Parenting Stress. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45(6), 496-503.
Rodriguez, A. J., & Margolin, G. (2015). Parental Incarceration, Transnational Migration, and Military Deployment: Family Process Mechanisms of Youth Adjustment to Temporary Parent Absence. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 18(1), 24–49. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-014-0176-0
Specks, K., Ph.D., & Riggs, D. S., Ph.D. (n.d.). Differences in the Parenting Styles of Military and Civilian Mothers [Scholarly project]. Retrieved November 16, 2017, from https://mfri.purdue.edu/resources/public/presentations/Speck_and_Riggs_International_2013.pdf