10 Parenting Tips to Avoid Kid Chaos | Military Spouse

Article by By Heidi Smith Luedtke, Air Force Spouse Life as a milspouse and parent can be overwhelming. At 8 a.m., all seems calm. But by late afternoon, the car has a flat and your emotional fuel tank is almost empty. Your spouse is on duty 24/7. Then - to make matters worse - your preschooler wets his pants (and the sofa), while your school-age child flatly refuses to do her homework. If you don't regroup right away, a full-scale mommy meltdown may pre-empt dinner. No matter how independent you are, no matter how much you truly adore your military kids (and we know you do), there are moments when you need strategies to keep the chaos from taking over. Former Army spouse and holistic health coach Katie Slachciak found out she was expecting Baby Number Two right after her family PCS'd to Fort Hood, Texas. This was just weeks before her spouse's first deployment. "My then 4-year-old son had temper tantrums that would often lead to emotional breakdowns," Slachciak recalls. "He would do or say things he knew he shouldn't do, just to get my attention. I knew it was serious when he told me he hated me! It broke my heart to hear those words." CHAOS THEORY Experts say it's common for kid chaos to escalate during transitions and separations, when the stresses of military family life may exceed kids' coping skills. Kids most often act out with aggression, says family psychotherapist Fran Walfish, Ph.D., author of "The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with your Child." She notes many kids hit or become verbally abusive to express their anger and lack of control. Others withdraw from family activities and refuse to talk about their feelings. Teens may act out by using drugs or alcohol, or engaging in sexual or delinquent acts. Although you can't avoid life's hassles and upsets, you CAN be prepared with an emotional management plan. In tough times, use these practical strategies to establish a positive environment, offer fun distractions, and meet everyone's needs for connection and independence. #1 Set Boundaries. During transitions and deployments , "It's easy for structure to go out the window," says Marine Corps spouse Cher Scott. And this increases stress for EVERYONE. If family rules and routines have lapsed at your house, it's time to get back to business. A predictable schedule and clear expectations diminish uncertainty. Maintain as consistent of a routine as much as possible. #2 Take a Break. When you're overloaded with other tasks, kids may act out to get your attention, Scott says. Hire a sitter or send the kids to a friend's house for a few hours so you can reenergize. Calling in reinforcements DOESN'T mean you're shirking your responsibilities as a parent. Remember: The kids need a break from you, too. #3 Take a Blink. Maybe you can't catch a break in the heat of the moment. That's ok. Aim for a blink instead. Close your eyes and take a deep breath to re-center yourself so you don't snap in frustration. "You can always go back later to discuss what happened, but you cannot erase the damage you may do if you react without thinking," says Walfish. Reflect BEFORE you respond. #4 Divide and Conquer. If family members are picking fights with each other, it may be time for a cooldown. "Ask everyone to separate and find a solo activity," says Walfish. Solitary activities minimize the chance of friction. Walfish recommends calling this a "cool down" instead of a "time out" so kids don't think they're being punished. #5 Connect One-on-One. Kids crave special closeness with parents and one-on-one time decreases sibling rivalry for your attention. Slachciak recalls doing special activities with her 5-year-old during her new baby's nap time and paying a sitter so she could take him out to the movies. Spending time with each child SEPARATELY, shows kids they're uniquely important to you. #6 Dance Away Bad Moods. Certain times of the day may be especially hectic for everyone. Instead of getting irritated, crank up the tunes and invite the kids to dance. Slachciak takes turns dancing with each of her boys during dinner prep in the kitchen. "My mood instantly shifts," she says. #7 Change your Scenery. Don't let bad moods fester and grow. Call the kids and head outside together . Play tag in the backyard or go for a drive, letting kids choose what direction to turn at each intersection. No matter where you wind up, you'll have detoured away from the yucky energy at home. #8 Talk, Talk, Talk. Scott advises other milspouses to "keep kids in the know." Discuss fears and address questions on their level, using Skype to allow a deployed parent to join in the dialogue. Above all, let kids know you're available to talk ANY TIME they want. "Open communication is key to alleviating fear and acting out," says Scott. #9 Listen. Pay close attention when kids share their feelings, even if what they say is hard for you to hear. Don't take nasty comments or criticisms personally. "Encourage kids to express their anger at you directly," says Walfish. Be the kind of parent who acknowledges, validates, and accepts your kids, flaws and all. Expressing emotions in words makes it less likely kids will misbehave to make their feelings known. #10 Stick With All of These Things. One of the hardest things to accept about parenting is that sometimes it takes months of repetition-reminding kids to clean up their room, reminding them to brush their teeth in the morning, reminding them that you've got their back through troubled times-before the positive impact of those reminders kicks in. Connect with us on Facebook!

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