Why Time-Outs Are Good For Parents, Too | Military Spouse

By: Jenn Kiefer, Army brat, Coast Guard Spouse "I'm putting myself in time-out," I screamed angrily to my husband. "The kids are yours." And without waiting for a reply, I stomped out the door. After having argued with my daughter WAY too long about something way too inconsequential, I'd had enough. So I ran. And I don't mean a slow paced trot where your feet barely shuffle type of jog. I mean running for your life, because a wild bear is chasing you type of all-out sprint. Not surprisingly, I didn't get far before I was exhausted, but it was enough to calm me down. When I returned to the house a few minutes later, I was ready to behave like a sensible parent again. Everyone gets frustrated sometimes, there's no use arguing that fact. When children start to spiral out of control , one of our jobs as parents is to help them calm down-- even if their frustration is aimed at us. But what happens when we get frustrated with them? When we are the ones starting to spiral out of control? While it would be nice to always have the luxury of sprinting out the door for a quick run or closing oneself in the bedroom for a self-imposed time-out, it's not realistic. In need of some different self-calming techniques, I turned to an expert for advice and discovered a number of methods perfect for parents. 1. Breathe We've all heard it: count to ten slowly and breathe. According to Biteena Frazier, a family counselor, there's a good reason why this advice is popular. "The emotional (reactive) part of our brain is approximately six seconds faster than the thinking (response) part," explains Frazier. "When anger is triggered and we start arguing, reactive elements hijack our brain and we go into fight-or-flight mode. Breathing brings us back into our body and gives us a few seconds to engage our thinking part of the brain." Instead of just counting to ten, the next time you get upset, try counting backwards in a foreign language or mentally alphabetizing objects in the room to help engage the thinking part of your brain quicker. Navy mom, Laura, suggests a quick change of scenery. "Once when my daughter started arguing," says Laura, "I told her I needed a drink of water first. I was honestly just thirsty, but the few seconds it took me to get the water from the kitchen changed the whole tone of the argument. When we started talking again, I didn't feel as defensive about her anger. Instead of yelling, I was ready to listen and help." 2.Detach from your emotions Another tool for regaining self-control is separating yourself from your emotions. Instead of thinking, "I'm angry," name your emotion by thinking "I am feeling angry." This might seem trivial, but it's necessary to create that gap. Labeling your emotion, rather than labeling yourself , separates you from negativity... so you can think and respond more clearly. Army mom, Kate, agrees. "Instead of getting swallowed up by my own anger," says Kate, "I could actually focus on my child and what he was trying to tell me." Successfully detaching from the negative emotion can help you avoid becoming overly upset and taking your children's anger against you personally. This, in turn, allows you to respond with love and understanding. According to Frazier, being able to detach ourselves from our own emotions so we can respond rather than react is the master key of parenting. 3. Stay in the present moment Worrying about our children's future is natural, but doing so during a heated discussion is not the right time. Unfortunately, it's easy for us to take one moment of our child's negative behavior and create a dizzying story about how it might ruin the child's life. Army mom, Jillian, understands. "I remember arguing with my son about his disrespect toward a teacher," says Jillian, "and suddenly I started thinking about how that disrespect would follow him through school and cause him to fail classes and lose friends. He was standing in front of me at 13 but in my mind I already had him rude and friendless at 33 ." Frazier acknowledges that contemplating worst case scenarios is a common problem for parents, but it's simply because we love our children and want to give them the best life possible. She suggests that parents avoid letting their thoughts wander into story mode during such discussions. Without that distraction, she says, parents can focus better on the specific issue at hand rather than become overwhelmed about random what-ifs of the future. 4. Remain positive and constructive Maintaining an optimistic attitude throughout the discussion is also important. Identify the positive behavior you want to help your child achieve, instead of the negative behavior that's triggering your anger. "If you focus on what your child needs to learn," explains Frazier, "you'll feel more empowered to influence your child's development. When you think, 'I want to help my child show more respect,' rather than 'My child is so disrespectful,' you have a positive goal for both of you." Of course, it can seem impossible to find that inner calm and positive outcome. That's when Coast Guard mom, Anne, gets out her vacuum cleaner. "When my kids start arguing and discussion seems impossible," says Anne, "I know it's time to stop everything. Occasionally I'll vacuum just to get a few moments of 'quiet' and believe it or not, it works. Everyone gets a few moments to settle down and the discussion afterward is a lot more civilized." The next time you feel yourself start to spiral out of control with your children, remember that the goal isn't to see who can argue the longest. The children are in reactive mode too, so take a deep breath and respond with love. I know advice is easier to give than apply, a fact ironically self-proven during arguments with my own children while actually writing this article. But as I like to remind them during our moments of calm, I'm as much a work in progress as they are. They're just a lot cuter! 5. Have a Response Plan Because our brain is designed to react emotionally rather than respond rationally, Frazier recommends creating a written response plan. Answering the following questions and practicing your responses can help you override your automatic reaction mode the next time a confrontation arises. 4* What is an area of tension between me and my child? * Why does my child's behavior bother me? * What helpful quality does my child need to learn (respect, responsibility, etc.)? * What positive instruction do I want to give my child? Connect with us on Facebook!

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