A 2020 New York Post article said, “Many claim that this event is more stressful than divorce or having kids.” Wow! I was not surprised to read on and find that the event they were alluding to was moving and that 45 percent of respondents said moving is by far the most stressful event in life. Yikes! That’s saying a lot as US service families around the world brace for summer and PCS season.
Moving has been noted as a top stressor for decades. It comes with lots of mixed emotions. The excitement of a new location and adventure. The uncertainty of what life will soon look like. The grieving of the loss of familiar faces and spaces. The fear of the next assignment being worse than your present situation. All of these emotions compound as the household goods are boxed up. Unfortunately, too many military couples are boxing up their emotions too, which puts them at higher risk of breaking down in an attempt to “just make it through the move”.
After a few back to back moves in 2020, 2021 and here again in 2023, I can say that I have had to figure out a way to still like my spouse even when chaos ensues. Let me share a little hope and let you know that it’s possible to go through life’s most stressful events and enjoy being with your spouse. Are there times when you may butt heads? Sure. But in PCS proofing your marriage the goal is not to fall into the 44 percent stat that came second t: moving as life’s most stressful event: divorce.
Benefits of connecting in chaos
There is something about facing challenges, adversity and chaos together that makes relationships stronger. We see it in NBA playoff finals, reward challenges on Survivor and most romantic comedy plots as the soon to be couple falls in love while solving some type of problem. This isn’t reality television, this is our Armed Forces’ families reality. Through our unique challenges we get to find opportunities to lean on one another, exhibit our individual strengths and appreciate our partnership more deeply. These opportunities are why I believe service couples have the strongest relationships and why I desire for more military couples to share in this experience.
If you are a seasoned mover, I applaud your battle tested strategy and organization. I would caution you to be sensitive to the fact that countless moves can wear on you. Going into autopilot to get the job done may leave you disconnected and short with those who are on the journey with you. If you are a new mover, I applaud your bravery. Know that you are not alone in feelings of anxiety. Use this as an opportunity to ask for support and open up to your spouse about the things that are concerning you. Regardless of the number of moves under our belt, we all need to find the beauty in the chaos and be present with one another throughout the PCS.
What does being present look like? Here are a few tips that are applicable before, during and after your move to help PCS proof your.
Three ways to PCS proof your marriage
1: Over communicate your plans.
The key to thriving relationships is how the couple communicates. During this time of year we each need to lean into active listening and over-communication. This looks like repeating back what you understand your partner is saying as well as possibly explaining the how, why and thought process behind some decisions. Tailor these techniques based on the communication style you find is most comfortable for your relationship. The bottom line is that PCS season is not the time to play, “I’ve got it all handled,” or, “I’ve got a secret,” as it can lead to heated debates in an already high pressure situation.
2: Know your numbers.
Finances tend to be a touchy subject amongst couples and PCSing doesn’t help. Typically we are asked to shoulder these expenses and later get reimbursement for what is covered. A key way to PCS proof your marriage is to rip the bandaid off and get real about your finances before an emergency comes up. Create a budget for the move and discuss how these added expenses impact your current monthly budget. If needed, look for advances on your moving expenses to help offset the financial strain. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a financial advisor to get additional perspective and support. Many companies offer free consultations and can provide resources to support you.
3: Make time for fun.
PCSing always feels super serious. It will take a thoughtful effort to look for the fun and put down the checklist long enough to laugh and enjoy the move with your spouse. This could look like planning to take a swim in a friend’s or hotel’s pool that you stop at along the drive, popping bubble wrap as if you were kids again or giving one another massages at the end of a long day. If you are having to fly solo on part or all of the PCS, find things that make you smile. Build a playlist to keep you encouraged and upbeat, treat yourself to fun food options or ask a friend to help and make it a friendcation!