Disclaimer: This piece is filled to the brim with sarcasm and some would say humor. I really do adore my husband and daughter… but not the state of Arizona. I am gonna ask you to keep that little admission to yourself though… I don’t need the desert making any more revenge plans. I hope you will get a laugh out of this one!
I have never been one to believe in superstitions. Probably because I know myself. It’s bad enough that I can access Web MD on my phone… I don’t need anything else in my life to make me feel like doomsday is right around the corner. So I have never bought into all the scariness that surrounds days like Friday the 13th or Halloween. I don’t like horror movies, and to tell you the truth I absolutely hate Halloween. If it were up to me we would just replace that day with a big pageant where everyone dresses up their babies and pets in cute costumes, we all drink a glass of wine, and go to bed without a dangerous bowl of candy waiting to lure us in at 1am when some neighborhood kid wakes us up with a ding and dash.
When my oldest was around six I remember one of her first requests to decorate our yard in tombstones, werewolves and ghosts. No way am I living in a house that makes me cringe when I walk up the driveway… but more than that I wanted to know, “Won’t that stuff give you bad dreams?” Her answer was simple. “No, Mom. That stuff doesn’t scare me… because I know it’s not real. How can you be scared of something that is pretend?”
Well, now that’s true. Real life to me can be much scarier than all that other stuff. Cause who needs to be afraid of things that go bump in the night when you have things that can make you nuts, drive you to drink or make you question all your life choices… living right out in plain sight without the decency of even trying to hide under your bed?
4 Ways My Life Scares Me
4) Clutter Gremlins
For those of you too young to remember that they were once called car phones and had their own purse… you may need to google this one. But for the rest of us, every morning I wake up and wonder who in the crap gave all my clutter water after midnight. Because, really, they should have to help get rid of it. It used to be that I held onto everything because it had sentimental value. Now, I am to the point where The Pope could bestow me with it and I’m ready to chunk it. But there is no time. I frequently come across an item and think “where did THiS come from?!”… it’s like living in The Twilight Zone. I would pause here to let the youngsters google that one too but that heap of paper on my desk is staring at me. And my gut tells me it has less than stellar intentions.
3) I Have A Pre-Teen Daughter
Those of you who can also say the same don’t even need to read the rest of this paragraph. But for those of you who do not… let me scare enlighten you. Living with a pre-teen daughter is like riding an emotional roller coaster… while resisting the urge to commit a felony. I now understand why mothers around the world warn their kids that their eyes might just roll into the back of their head and get stuck there. Seriously… it is an honest concern. And can we not even discuss the death stare? It sends chills up my spine. Finally, there is the attitude. It’s like it oozes from her pores on certain days. Then, as quickly as it comes, it is replaced with an excited story about what a cool friend did at school… followed by sobbing tears because there is no more popcorn in the house. Most days I just stare at her and watch it unfold… terrified. Ok, not most days… some days. Most days I am scaring myself by spouting off every bad parenting cliche known to man. The other day I actually heard myself say “Excuse me! I will lecture you as long as I want… I. Am. Your. Mother! You haven’t EARNED the right to not be lectured yet!” Yeah, I know. I was embarrassed for me too.
2) It’s Football Season, and I Live with an Alabama Fan
We love college football around here. I am from Tallahassee, FL and am a huge FSU fan, and my husband is from Alabama. In the state of Alabama when a baby is born, the doctor slaps it on the butt and declares either “Alabama” or “Auburn”… and your fate is sealed from that day forward. My husband was one of the lucky ones, Roll Tide! *Cue Auburn fans everywhere vowing never to read anything I write…ever again* So I was thrilled when football season started. And then, I remembered what watching an AL game is like with my husband. 6 or 7 national championships in a row (what, am I not remembering that right?) have spoiled AL fans… they expect perfection now. So they can be winning by 64 points in the first quarter, but if one person misses a play… the entire game is toast. They will never be able to have a shot if they don’t play better!! They need to get their (insert variety of expletives) together!! Sound familiar? Last year when they played for the national championship… I had another Marine come to the house to watch it with us. And lets be honest… protect my television and all our windows from any projectiles.
1) The Desert is Trying to Kill Me
You all know I am very honest about my dislike of the desert climate we are currently residing in. I have written about it on occasion and make no apologies for feeling the way I do. Well, apparently the desert heard from a friend that I was talking crap about her… and she is out for revenge. I have traveled a lot this year. A few months ago I started to notice a pattern. Every single time I would return home to the beautiful state of Arizona (I am kissing up now), within days I would get a little itchy. A little case of hives. Now, every time I return home I get a full-blown, claw your own face off case of hives. Now it doesn’t even take days… a month ago when returning from 10 days in New York, the hives were full blown within 12 hours of my flight landing. As I type this article I am in a drugged stupor of prescription strength anti-histamines. That’s right, my hives laugh at Benadryl… I can hear them. So, if you hate this piece lets just go ahead and blame the medication. If you love it, I probably won’t remember it unless you leave me multiple long comments telling me how brilliant it is.
You remember that lovely humor disclaimer at the start of this article? There are things in life that honestly will drive you crazy if you don’t find a way to laugh at them… but, even in my current stupor, I recognize that, in reality, all of these facts of life are probably just as scary as the pretend monster under the bed. Sure, they are real… but I am the one that gives them the power to be scary, if I choose to believe.
So let’s just defeat that monster, shall we?
The clutter situation, while my current nemesis, really is something I have complete control over. It is up to me to find the time to deal with it… honestly it’s not that I don’t have time… it’s that I am choosing to spend my time on other things. And I will own up to my choices, even when they are choosing to catch up on four episodes of ‘Under the Dome’ in one sitting. Sometimes I get started on the clutter and something else grabs my attention. But I have control over it… so I think I will carve out some time this wee… Oh, look! A shiny squirrel!
My pre-teen daughter, is a really good kid. She is a great friend, is smart, funny, beautiful, kind and compassionate. It may take every single ounce of patience I have ever had to remind myself of that some days… but I try. And as my mother recently reminded me… I only have about six more years of the attitude. So, there’s that.
I can complain all day long about my husband and his obsession love of AL football. I love it too and have been known to need blood pressure meds after an intense game. But I really am grateful that he is here for the whole season. I remember times when I would give anything to hear someone screaming at the TV for missing a play. But seriously, who wants to come babysit watch the rest of the games with us this season?
The desert. This one is hard for me to spin positive… but it boils down to one thing. While we are here, my husband can not be deployed. And with the current state of affairs… another war looming in the back of all of our minds… I need to remind myself of that, take another oatmeal bath and horse tranquilizer, and count my lucky stars.