Dear Cold Feet,
First of all let me say: Welcome to the military world. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at times, but I want you to know that we are here to support you 100%.
I am so sorry that you feel that you have lost yourself in this journey. I have often felt the same way and thought that I was not a good wife or military spouse. Not only are you newly married, but you are taking on the whole new world within the military. That is enough to drive anyone to self doubt.
Let me be the first to tell you that being a military spouse is totally awesome but it is not what will define you as a person. Think of it more as a helping hand to discover paths you never knew existed before. However, being in a military community can get extremely confusing because you are around so many from all walks of life.
Many spouses look to getting involved in the community by volunteering, getting a job or even going back to school. Each one can elevate you and what you want to do with your life. What is your passion? What brings a spark into your eyes? The first step would be to ask yourself, what do I want to be?
Anytime someone gets married, they can find that the adjustment can be difficult once the honeymoon phase is over. For me, I became a spouse and mother instantly, and my husband was deployed. I lost my own self back then. I was not sure of my place in life, I had very few friends, and a ton of dirty diapers. I have always wanted to be a journalist. I also wanted to be like my mom, she was always so helpful to all the local spouses, especially when my father was deployed. I saw the joy she got from being the go to person. When I first got married and entered this world I lost my identity, I was no longer Mindy, I was Brewster’s wife, UT1’s old lady, and many more colorful names.
I can tell you that the military offers many resource for military spouses. I highly suggest looking into organizations that will help support you and motivate you. I found my first groove upon my first PCS to Iceland. I became a home business consultant. It was my opportunity to make money and get involved in the community. My next few duty stations had their own challenges. I went from being a recluse, ombudsman, base spouse of the year, to now being a columnist and helping other spouses (Just like I wanted when I first began, but took many years to accomplish.) I have lost myself at every location, I am currently digging myself out of a slump since we are in a new place and now retired. It is a hard thing to do but having support in my corner has helped tremendously.
There are many spouses out there who are also themselves as well as being military spouses. They have found that they can do “their thing” and use the military spouse to elevate them.
Take Susan Reynolds, from Bad Mother Advocate for example. She is one of the strongest, most inspiring women I have ever met. She has used being a military spouse to her advantage to fight for her son and many other special needs children in the military community. Susan advocated her passion for her son and was able to lobby legislation in the Senate for Tricare For Kids. She has won many awards for her advocacy but she does not let being an Air Force spouse be what defines her. Trust me when I say that Susan is a force to be reckoned with on her own, but she allows her connection to the military to elevate her passion.
One of my best friends, Emily, was not only a Marine spouse, she is also a Marine herself and runs an amazing dog rescue. She uses the military community to elevate her rescue to help provide homes to animals left behind. Her passion is animals and she volunteers her time to a low cost spay & neuter clinic on her off days. Emily doesn’t let the military hinder her passion.
You don’t have to be someone who is a hard charger, but volunteering your time to an organization may work in your favor to find what really drives you.
Have you had a chance to talk to you wife about what you are feeling? Did you know that there are chaplains available at every base that can help? There is also the Military Family Life Counseling (MFLC), Military OneSource and even our very own 2015 Military Spouse of the Year, Corie Weathers that offer support and counseling.
In the career aspect, In Gear Career has teamed up with Hiring Our Heroes and is a great resource for military spouses to develop their profession and provide support. They serve spouses who want to pursue a career along side their services member. This is a great way to find your own path but still work side by side with your wife. And as always don’t forget to check out Military Spouse Friendly Employers from our parent company Victory Media.
Education is also something that many spouses go for since military spouses qualify for so many great grants and scholarships. Military Spouses of Strength (MSoS) created by Elizabeth Snell has the Military Spouse Education Initiative(MSEI). MSEI was founded in 2011 by MSoY Bianca Strzalkowski… Based on her personal struggles with education as a military spouse. This past summer MSoS took MSEI under their umbrella based on statistics for BSF military family survey regarding education struggles of mil spouses, and how it can impact self esteem. They can hook you up with scholarships, MyCAA, and even GI Bill transferability.
Military Family Advisory Network (MFAN) is also a fabulous resource that will help you navigate all the tools you need for success. They can link you with so many organizations, promote awareness within the communities. MFAN utilizes real experiences and perspectives to unite military spouses and their families with everything they need for a smoother transition in the military world.
This is just barely the tip of the iceberg that can help you find who you are and who you want to be, other than a military spouse. You can also use the experience to help mentor other new spouses. I have always used my experiences to show others they are not alone. The key to finding yourself in this situation is to find your niche. It can take time and it can also change with every duty station, every deployment, and many times throughout your life. Be sure to include your service member in your discussion and goals, their perspective can mean a great deal and keep the bond between you strong.
Remember that being a military spouse isn’t what defines you, it elevates you in your goals to further yourself and your service member. Every situation in unique and with the support of your military spouse brothers and sisters, we can help you go far. Thank you for reaching out to us here at Military Spouse. And remember you can email me anytime at [email protected] or Dear Mindy. We’ve got your six!
