Dear Brand-Spanking New Military Spouse

[mashshare] Dear Brand-Spanking New Military Spouse, Welcome! I know you are overwhelmed. I know you are excited. I know your service member is talking to you rapid-fire in acronyms, abbreviations, and regulations. Take a deep breath and pour a glass of wine, I'm here to help. 6 Feelings You Feel as a New Military Spouse There are so many misconceptions of what is expected of a new military spouse and what rules a milspouse has to follow. We've been talking about these stereotypes and misconceptions a lot lately. I think there are a few important things that will help you get off on the right foot. And chances are, none of these will come from your service member. 1. Know your POAs Powers of attorney are extremely important in the military community. You'll probably need no less than 10 in your time as a milspouse. A General POA gives a designated person the right to do almost anything. A Specific POA gives that person the right to do one specific thing. Most of the things you need to do as a milspouse will fall under a General POA. (File taxes, rent a house, buy a car, etc.) However, some military departments (yes, Finance, I'm talking about you) are particular about the POA. They may require a Specific. Alway s call ahead and ask. Not every service member is comfortable giving their spouse a general POA. This is fine, there is a JAG Office almost everywhere, so they can always get a new POA for you if needed. Special note: If someone tells you the POA is not good because your service member is not deployed, politely inform them you know better and they need to accept it. They will try to fool you with this. 2. Open Door Policy/Chain of Concern You've no doubt heard "Chain of Command" come from your service member's mouth, but maybe not Chain of Concern. The two mirror each other but the latter is for spouses. While you do not report to anyone, there is a preferred way of talking to people involved in your spouse's career. Ideally, you'd start with your Family Readiness Leader/Key Spouse/Ombudsman and progress up the ladder as needed. While you do not need to "sir or ma'am" these officers, you do need to be respectful. We all know that the old adage, "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" runs true. 3. Give your Family Readiness Group a chance We all have heard the horror stories of FRGs and other family support groups. However, they can be the most valuable part of your spouse's command group. Give them a chance, go in with an open mind, and most importantly, if you don't like something, offer to help change it. Just like installations, each family group is different. Sometimes you will meet with them once a quarter to plan a fundraiser, sometimes you will only receive emails, and sometimes those other milspouses will save your life. Give them a chance. 4. Learn the Lingo It can be overwhelming, but its really helpful if you can understand and speak at least the important parts of your service member's new language. Simple acronyms go a long way. The Army offers a class called Army Family Team Building (AFTB) which teaches acronyms, rank structure, and other helpful things like how to read that Leave & Earnings Statement. While attending graduation at Parris Island this past week, I learned they offer "Marine 101" as well, which includes a glossary of terms. Each branch has something similar and a few hours learning what AFSC or LPO means will make your home conversations go smoother. ( Translations: AFSC - Air Force Specialty Code and Lead Petty Officer.) 5. Dress Codes Brace yourself, this one usually creates debates. The military cannot tell you what to wear, BUT that does not mean you should not care about what you wear. You should consider how you are representing yourself, your service member, your mother, etc. Sweat pants are appropriate at times, but so is a nice dress with heels. Trust me, you do not want to be "that spouse" who doesn't know what is appropriate. And because our service members are notorious for springing last minute events on us, without telling us the dress code, I always dress fancier than I need to. Here's a few ideas. Change of Command, promotion, retirement, or reenlistment - business casual (slacks/skirt and a blouse with nice shoes OR conservative dress OR button down shirt with a tie and slacks). For anything that says semi-formal, a nicer dress or even a suit would work. For anything formal, I say a long dress or a suit. Here's another article that may help. I'm a big proponent of no jeans or flip-flops to anything that an invitation is issued for. You can also judge clothes based on what your service member is wearing. Duty uniform - business casual; dress uniform/Class A's - semi-formal/formal. 6. How vs. What You Say Sometimes we hear about that milspouse who lost it on their spouse's commander. Or about that spouse who keeps calling the company. You know the type, that spouse who causes the phone to just keep ringing because they recognize the phone number. Then there are spouses who have a fantastic relationship with the commander, the one who's opinion is asked for and actually valued. Did you ever guess that both spouses may share an opinion? The big difference here is HOW they opinion is expressed. Treating people with respect goes a long way. It truly makes the difference. Asking questions about WHY something was done the way it was done may get you an answer that makes sense. I can honestly say I've tried both ways and asking a question got me so much further. I usually have a good relationship with my husband's commander and it makes my life so much easier. I'm able to ask questions and get real answers. And sometimes, they even ask my opinion! 7. Fraternization Among Spouses This one is really simple. There is no rule here. You can be friends with any person you want to be. An E-1 spouse can be best friends with a Four-Star General spouse. Its ok. Now for the giant but (because if I don't say it, someone will yell at me.) Friendships between officer and enlisted spouses, or instructor and student spouses, or commander and NCO spouses can have hurdles. In situations where the service members cannot fraternize, the spouses have to take this into consideration. For example, my friend the General's Wife would never invite my whole family to her Christmas party, beause my husband could not attend. I know that, she knows that, it's ok. However, my same friend could easily invite me to Bunco at her house. See my point? We have to make sure our friendship leaves enough room for our service member's rules. But we can still be the best of friends. 8. OPSEC/PERSEC Yes, more acronyms! OPSEC - operational security. "Loose lips, sink ships." No one truly needs to know the exact time your spouse's flight lands on mid-tour leave. No one needs to know exactly how many hours until deployment is over. No one needs to know how many of your service member's company are going TDY next month. In fact telling people, either directly or indirectly, will probably just change those plans. We've all heard of units being delayed from coming home because a spouse posted all over Facebook and twitter about the flight time. PERSEC - personal security. Not only does blabbing flight information all over the place potential harm your service member, but alering the world to that fact that they are going away for 6 month is asking for trouble. Nothing makes a predator more happy than to know when you will be home alone. Or when you plan to go visit your mom and leave the house completely unattended. 9. Don't give up the things that you like Remember what made you fall in love with your spouse? Do you remember what made them fall in love with you? Don't change those things just beca u se you are a milspouse. There are so many different kinds of military spouses. Each one is unique and each one contributes to this fantastic community. Yes, you will grow and mature and learn to like new things, and learn so much more about yourself over this journey. But remain true to yourself. Make your own priorities list and remember to take some time for yourself. 10. Semper Gumby Probably the most important piece of advice I received as brand-new spouse was this. Remain flexible. Its hard, especially at the most trying of times the military will throw at you. But your spouse will greatly appreciate it and it will make your life more enjoyable. Always have a Plan B (and C through F) but simply nod your head when they come home and say "things changed" and quietly adjust your plans. (And then call your friends and wine whine.) You'll come out of this military thing with less gray hear and more fond memories. So, bottom-line-up-front (or BLUF in the military) - remember to remain true to yourself, to consider how your actions represent your spouse, to have respect for those in your spouse's career, and to be proud of your service member and their commitment to protecting us. Best of Luck, A Slightly Seasoned Military Spouse Connect with us on Facebook! [related_post themes="flat”]

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