We discussed it from many different angles. We talked about the hard work that MUST go into a marriage; no matter what career either spouse has chosen. We talked about how a military marriage is different, and similar, to those of our “civilian” counterparts. We inserted our own beliefs into the conversation and we questioned those same beliefs as the discussion unfolded. We shared our personal struggles and we shared observations about military families we have been privileged to serve.
We talked for hours. There was no judgment from a single person in the room. 100% trust in each other. Lots of different opinions, lots of disagreement… but absolutely no hatefulness, spite or ill will.
It was a pretty remarkable exchange of words, except for one big problem.
We were never able to answer the question: Are we expecting too much of the human condition to ask one person to both engage in war and the maintenance of a healthy, thriving marriage… in the same life time? At the very least at the SAME time?
Marriage and war are about as opposite as they get, but we, the military spouse community, either by condition or design, have worked really hard to make the two work together in some capacity. We fell in love. Most of us did not fall in love with a uniform or a title… we fell in love with a person who also happens to serve their country. We decided that sharing a life with that person was worth whatever this life would throw at us.
But more and more, I have this sinking feeling that we are trying really hard to slam the square peg of marriage into the I-don’t-know-what shape of war. That we are asking service members to be warriors and brave battle, but fit into a very different role when they come home.
Oh, I know what you are thinking… and I am right there with you. This question does NOT give our service members enough credit. It is absolutely not fair, and to be honest, I hate that it ever crossed my mind. Of course our service members are capable of doing their jobs and doing them well… AND also being active participants in a healthy marriage.
Let me be clear: The men and women who serve this nation are the finest this country has to offer. America cannot exist without them. I believe this world would be a terrifying place without their dedication and commitment. They are heroes. They have my utmost respect and undying gratitude… till the end of time. The fact that SO many of them have been fighting wars AND navigating successful marriages? It is a testament to the incredible individuals they are.
It is with that conviction that I ask the question that has no answer.
Will war and marriage ever mix?
It is not a question I believe we will ever truly be able to answer. But I believe it is a question we should ASK. I do believe it is a question we should explore. I do believe it is something we should climb under a fuzzy blanket with a friend WHO UNDERSTANDS, and discuss.
War and marriage may never, ever mix. But for me, the privilege of spending my life with my husband, despite how war may have impacted our lives… is something worth fighting for.
And this spouse? Well, I plan to fight like hell.
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